“YOU
ASKED FOR IT SERIES” – FORGIVENESS & RECONCILIATION
QUESTION – HOW CAN I FORGIVE A PERSON WHO
KEEPS HURTING ME AND HOW CAN I POSSIBLY TRUST THEM AGAIN?
Observations from Matthew 18:21-35 says:
21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how
many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven
times?"
22Jesus
answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]
23"Therefore,
the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his
servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed
him ten thousand talents[b] was brought to him. 25Since
he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his
children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The
servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I
will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took
pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28"But
when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a
hundred denarii.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay
back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His
fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I
will pay you back.'
30"But
he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he
could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what
had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master
everything that had happened.
32"Then
the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled
all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't
you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be
tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35"This
is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your
brother from your heart."
·
In the realm
of forgiveness, seeking to do the bare minimum does not please the heart of God
because God gave His all in forgiving you! V. 21
·
Jesus
emphasizes that there is no condition or limit to forgiveness. V. 22
·
By seventy
times seven, Jesus did not mean 490.
·
He simply picked up on Peter’s number and
multiplied it by itself and then by ten, indicating a number that, for all
practical purposes, was beyond counting.
·
Record
keeping is not to be considered, and a Christian with a forgiving heart thinks
nothing about it.
·
He forgives the hundredth offense or the
thousandth just as readily and graciously as the first – because that is the
way he is forgiven by God.
·
7x70
represents an unlimited number.
·
God has
forgiven each one of us beyond our ability to repay it – and we should extend the
same mercy to others. Vs. 24-25
·
If God had a
maximum quota on forgiveness, we would all be in trouble.
·
God expects
the Christian to forgive others in the same way He has forgiven them - unconditionally.
Vs. 28-29
·
Unconditional
forgiveness means: A person has done and can do nothing to earn or deserve
forgiveness.
·
A person does
not even have to acknowledge their wrong doing or say they are sorry before you
can forgive them.
·
When Jesus
was on the cross and people mocked Him, he stated, “Father forgive them for
they do not know what they are doing”.
·
NOTE: YOU
FORGIVING THE SINNER WHO HURT YOU IS FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND WELL
BEING, NOT NECESSARILY FOR THEIR’S – IT IS ABOUT YOU AND NOT THEM!
·
When you choose
not to forgive, you choose more hurt for yourself and others.
·
Your unforgiveness will not only hurt you but it will hurt other
people who love you!
·
When we do
not forgive the people who have hurt us, it is very painful for family, friends,
and the people around us. V. 31
·
Unforgiveness has a
multiplying effect that hurts numerous people in our lives.
·
I can either
stop the pain in my life by forgiving the people who have hurt me, or I can
magnify the hurt and spread it to others who care about me.
How
does not forgiving others hurt the people who care about me?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________.
·
They feel my
anger, pain, and hurt.
·
It saddens
them to see me ruin my life and not reach my full potential.
·
They believe
in me and expect me to rise above the hurts from the past.
·
God’s heart
breaks when we do not forgive those who have hurt us. Vs. 32-35
Why would God expect us to forgive those
who have hurt us?
THE BLESSINGS OF FORGIVENESS
1) By commanding me to forgive, God is
simply protecting me from inflicting more pain on myself and others.
2) Forgiveness breaks the power the
violator had over me – I am now free.
3) Forgiveness draws me closer to God
because, it causes me to trust God more than my emotions.
4) Forgiveness empowers me to be more “godly”
because I am now acting more like God and less like a “normal” person.
“Forgiveness reflects the highest human
virtue, because it so clearly reflects the character of God. Nothing so much
demonstrates God’s love as His forgiveness. A person who does not forgive is
therefore a person lacking in godly character and without Christ-like love, no
matter how orthodox his theology or how outwardly impeccable his morals appear
to be. An unforgiving Christian is a living contradiction of his new nature in
Christ. It is central to the heart of God to forgive, and only the Christian
who radiates forgiveness radiates true godliness". John MaCarthur
Luke 6:27-42 says:
27"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies,
do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse
you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29If someone
strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your
cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30Give to
everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand
it back. 31Do to others as you would have them do to
you.
32"If
you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love
those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who
are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment,
what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be
repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to
them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward
will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the
ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father
is merciful.
39He also
told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not
both fall into a pit? 40A student is not above his
teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.
41"Why
do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention
to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your
brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself
fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out
of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your
brother's eye.
What happens if I choose to disobey God
and not forgive the person who has hurt me?
A. I will live outside of God’s will and
protection.
B. I will become angry.
C. I will become depressed.
·
Whereas pain
expressed outward is anger…pain kept inward is depression.
D. I will be excessively tired and
drained of energy.
E. I will be unproductive and unmotivated
– I will spin my wheels.
F. I will play the victim the rest of my
life and never really take responsibility like I should.
G. The memory hurts me everyday of my
life. When I forgive a person right away… it hurts only once.
How do I forgive a person who hurt me?
1) Ask God to forgive you of your sins -receive
God’s love and grace for your own life.
·
Grace givers
are first grace receivers.
1 John 1:8-9 says:
"If we claim to be without sin, we
deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all
unrighteousness". 1 John 1:8-9
Psalm 103:12
"As far as the east is from the
west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us". Psalm 103:12
2. Reciprocate the grace - Give the grace
to others that God first gave to you.
3. Look beyond your hurt and realize that
hurting people hurt people – Have compassion for the sinner.
When crucified unjustly, Jesus responded,
"Father, forgive them, they do not know what they are doing". Luke
23:34
4. Choose not to personalize the offense
– realize that in this world, hurt feelings are going to happen and sometimes
even unintentionally.
5. Forgive those who have hurt you by
faith and not by feeling…In other words, “Just do it” - There is a greater
likelihood that you will act your way into feeling than feeling your way into
acting.
Question: What if a spouse, friend, or
other person in my life keeps hurting me and does not seek forgiveness nor
repentance?
1. Pray for them.
Matthew 5:43-48 says:
"You have heard that it was said,
‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and
pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in
heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you
love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even tax collectors
doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than
others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father
is perfect". Matthew 5:43-48
NOTE: It is impossible to pray for a
person and stay angry with them.
2. Suffer well the first time – Act like
a follower of Christ because you are!
Matthew 5:38-42
"You have heard that it was said,
‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil
person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic let him have your cloak as
well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the
one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from
you". Matthew 5:38-42
3. After a pattern has developed, minimize
the ways selfish people can hurt you by establishing clear boundaries.
·
Install a security
system whereby hurting you impacts them adversely – Do not let them get away
with murder.
TO ESTABLISH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES:
1) Communicate directly to the person how
their behavior makes you feel.
2) Communicate the changes that are
necessary in the relationship.
3) Communicate the repercussions of their
behavior if it does not change.
4) Ask for feedback and input.
5)
Negotiate and agree on terms that you both can live with (if the
relationship is healthy enough).
6) Encourage the person in the area of
their improvements when they respect your boundaries.
7) Keep evaluating and communicating to
each other until the relationship is healthy – then keep
communicating to ensure it stays that way.
4. Do not confuse trust with forgiveness
– while Christians are called to forgive unconditionally, trust must be earned
by changed behavior.
QUESTION: How can I reconcile my broken relationships
that are in the process of dying?
Matthew 5:21-26 says:
21"You have heard that it was said to the people
long ago, 'Do not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to
judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry
with his brother[b]will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone
who says to his brother, 'Raca,[c]' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone
who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23"Therefore,
if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother
has something against you, 24leave your gift there in
front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and
offer your gift.
25"Settle
matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you
are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the
judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have
paid the last penny.
How can I reconcile my broken relationships that are
in the process of dying?
[d1)
Control your thoughts and words - Thinking hurtful thoughts or saying mean
words out of anger to a person is considered to be murder in God’s eyes.
Matthew 5: 21-22
Saying phrases like "You fool"
or "Empty head" = murder
James 5-6,9-10 says:
"The tongue is a small part of the
body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by
a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of
the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on
fire, and is itself set on fire by hell…With the tongue we praise our Lord
and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.
Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not
be." James 5-6,9-10
·
I must refuse
to retaliate. When you have your enemy backed up in a corner – give him a
way out – just like God did for you!
2) I must keep "short accounts" with people
by repenting and/or forgiving the moment I hurt another person or they hurt me.
Ephesians 4:25-32 says:
25Therefore
each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we
are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do
not sin"[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are
still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must
work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to
share with those in need.
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do
not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of
redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger,
brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be
kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ
God forgave you.
·
Before I go
to bed that night, I need to reconcile, make things right with the person I am
conflicted with and definitely before I go to church on Sunday and worship God
– otherwise I will be a hypocrite outside of God’s grace. Vs. 23-24
·
Until I reconcile with the person(s) I hurt,
God will hold me accountable for my "undealt with conflicts" that
need healing. Vs. 25-26
NOTE: IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH TO BE
RECONCILED BEFORE
4) I need to change my mental picture of who I think
they are - They are not a monster, they are a person in need of love just like
I am.
5) I must change my mental picture of who I think I
am…chances are that I am not totally innocent – I need to take responsibility
for my part of the conflict.
6) I must speak words of healing back into the
relationship.
Ephesians
"Do not let any unwholesome talk
come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up
according to their needs, that it might benefit those who listen".
Ephesians 4:29
7) If the relationship does not
make it, I must surrender my fear of loss to God. I need to have an "empty
hand" approach to life.
·
Whatever the
outcome, I need to release the results to God and ultimately trust Him more
than myself and the person who hurt me.
·
If somebody
has taken something from me and I am immobilized by it, it is a sure sign that
I do not really know God, nor trust Him.
1 John 4:16-18 says:
16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in
God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made
complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment,
because in this world we are like him. 18There is no
fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with
punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says:
4Love is
patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always
protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never
fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are
tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.