Women: A Winners Guide!
Everything you'll ever need to know about women, romance and being an incredible lover!
By
Ben Stirling
with
Illustrations by Keith Faskin
Volcano Books
P.O. Box 439
2 Sydenham Road
Cheltenham
UK GL52 6WJ
Published by Volcano Books 1997
Ben Stirling asserts the moral right to identified as author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 0 9530475 0 4
Downloadable Version
All rights reserved. Permission is given to store on one retrieval system this book.
Printing for personal use is permissable but resale is strictly prohibited.
.
Acknowledgments
Many thanks to all those who helped with the book. Particularly the women who were so forthcoming with their information. Sorry to all previous girlfriends, if I had only known then what I know now..... Particular thanks to Keith for his drawings and encouragement.
All quotations from "Quotations for Lovers" Selected and edited by Jordan L. Linfield & Joseph Krevisky (Macmillan Reference Books) and "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Malz (Wilshire Book Co). All rights reserved.
Masculinity in the last three decades, has come to denote all things bad and evil, whilst femininity is held up as all things good and pure. When others talk about 'New Age Man', what they really mean is someone who will suffer in silence whilst the benefits of 'getting in touch' with your feminine side is rammed so far down your throat that it makes you want to throw-up. This is the new agenda set by the female academics, feminists and these little men who spend their lives in universities studying society and agreeing with any woman's point of view (whilst secretly hoping to fornicate with the Departmental Head of Women's Studies). All their arguments are based on a pretty simple philosophy - when in doubt find a man to blame and each man is to be held personally responsible for everything that has happened since time began. That means you and me, all of us guilty, no excuses. The evidence is hanging between your legs.
It never ceases to amaze me that such few people are allowed to shape our opinions. All academic social theory is based on analysis, criticism, gloom and doom, so the ones who are held in the highest esteem and shape others views, are the ones who are the most 'nit-picking' and critical. No right thinking man should ever build a belief of himself or the male sex, based on these negative opinions from negative people. Ignore everything you have ever read about how a man is supposed to be. The only people who are worth listening to and who can tell us all we need to know about being men, are ordinary women who have no agenda other than happiness.
All men have the ability to be great individuals, caring parents, wonderful partners and champion lovers. Men have this potential within them, because the qualities needed have evolved over hundreds of thousands of years and lie dormant inside each and every one of us. Sadly, few of us have ever been given instruction on how to use our inate manly powers for the benefit of ourselves and others. We men are dynamic machines but sadly came without an instruction manual.
Masculinity can be destructive but it can also be constructive. The constructive use of a man's qualities are the cornerstone of this book, particularly when these qualities are applied to loving, romancing, understanding and sexually satisfying women. Men have the ability to completely satisfy all a woman's desires, the only thing missing is a little education telling us how to do it.
You do have to concede to the anti-male lobby that most crimes, most assaults, in fact most of all types of offenses, violent and sexual, are committed by men. However, they are not committed by all men, all of the time. They are committed by some men, some of the time and rightly such individuals are punished when caught. To be born a male, does not automatically make you the cause of all the problems in the universe. You are not a wild animal insensitive to others, nor are you a violent savage and a potential threat to women. Not so long ago male characteristics that are now so maligned were absolutely essential - the survival of the whole species depended on masculine power, masculine ingenuity and masculine determination.
When Charles Darwin left England as a natural historian on board the British Naval ship 'The Beagle', he was about to make observations that would change the world. What he saw led him to form his theories of evolution and give a scientific view of human development as an alternative to the prevelant religious mumbo-jumbo of the time - men and women, spare ribs, Gardens of Eden etc. At one point on the voyage, 'The Beagle' dropped anchor just of the coast of what we know as Tierra Del Fuego, at the tip of South America. Living on this barren and windswept place was a naked tribe. This tribal society, as you can guess, was dominated by the men. They were particularly brutal and harsh to their wives, children and enemies. Darwin watched this tribe and it became clear to him that all men must have developed from such a starting point. For the human species to survive certain sexually selected male attributes were necessary, otherwise not even this little tribe could have lasted it out in their harsh environment. No one, he claimed, would dispute the differences between a stallion and a mare, or a bull and a cow, so we should not be shocked to find differences between men and women in terms of attitude and aggression. These differences were the reason we pulled through as human beings and are still here today.
What is more, at that time these characteristics were considered attractive to women. The human females were like the females of all other species, they were looking for partners who would protect their children and give their genes the best chance to reproduce and survive. Human male characteristics of ruthlessness and never giving up were very attractive, as the men who possessed them fitted the criteria for being the best mate and offered the best chance of survival for the children.
Males have struggled against each other since the separation of the sexes to attract and possess females. We have evolved as rivals and this rivalry has lead to selfishness and cunning. The in-built program in each man to pass on his genes, has always held sway over his actions. To win, a man had to have bodily strength and size, allied with courage, perseverance and energy. Not only did he have to defend his females and offspring from enemies of all kinds, he had to hunt for their joint sustenance. To aid him he had to fashion weapons which required the skills of observation, reason, imagination and invention. Thus when two men were in competition, the one with the higher energy, perseverance, courage and invention would win, gain the ascendancy and of course, the females. Darwin believed that these qualities were then transmitted chiefly to the male offspring and would become evident at a certain age.
When life was nasty, brutal and short those selfsame qualities that men attained, were of a distinct advantage. That is why we have them. The human species is what it is, because men are what they are. This determination, competition and invention has led not only to the survival of human beings, but to incredible progress in all aspects of artistic, scientific and business life. The rivalry and selfishness however has led to war and violence. The modern man contains both good and bad. We are a combination of physical power, selfishness, rivalry, invention, energy, drive, imagination and determination. You cannot have some without the others. Camille Paglia a renowned American female writer once said "There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper". Absolutely correct. Men have a duality of being, artist and scientist, warrior and savage.
Women evolved with a different set of attributes. In general terms I think it is pretty safe to say, women show greater tenderness and are less selfish than men. This was the case even in the particularly hard and savage Fuegian society that Darwin encountered. Darwin presumed the reason was (and is), that women display these qualities to their offspring and are more likely to extend these affections to their fellow creatures.
Women have fought all of the twentieth century to have rights, to have equality, to stop being an underclass and quite right too. Throughout history, men using everything from force to religion as a tool, have stopped women from progressing and achieving their potential, no sane person can argue against this. In the Western World women have made considerable strides towards parity and that is great. However, as with all change the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. Recently, female values have become all that is pleasing which means masculinity has become all that is rotten. Men have suddenly to be sensitive, cooperative, understanding, huggy, squeezy and feminine in a way that does not flow naturally to them.
To expect modern western men to become 'women but with penises' in a generation, is an unreasonable expectation. The human evolutionary line took four million years to become distinct from apes. In all these millions of years we have only stopped being hunter and gatherers for the last ten thousand years. To think men can change completely in the brief period of time since The Beatles made their first record until now, is complete madness.
Anyhow, you do not have to become something you're not. Certain characteristics of maleness have always been and are still, attractive to women. In the last ten thousand years women haven't changed as much as they like to think they have. Their behavior and choice has also been shaped by millions of years of evolution. The task a man must undertake to make himself attractive to the opposite sex, is to develop the male characteristics that have always been seen as desirable. Some of our other more basic characteristics no longer have a place or a role and certainly these need to be dropped. As we men have in our possession both sets of characteristics already, the key to your happiness is emphasizing one set over the other. The pressure and temptation to follow a path of 'Change' that is not in our nature and not in our interests, should be avoided.
Did you know that in the USA you can buy plastic breasts which dispense milk? They are for men, so that fathers can share in the joy of breast feeding. Dear, oh dear! You would laugh if it were not so sad. This is not the behavior of a man, it is the actions of a confused individual who has lost his way. This is the sort of crap about how men should act, you wish to ignore.
Women are no longer interested in the old savage male, that is for sure, but they are equally disinterested in men trying to be like women. Men must be willing to promote themselves, emphasizing their positive qualities of drive, courage, inner strength and bravery. No more male whinging, soul-searching, learning to cry in public and getting in touch with our tears and fears. This is merely what certain interests want a man to be. This is trying to shape males into females, an attempt to blur the distinctions between the sexes. There is nothing wrong with men feeling the full range of human emotions, do not get me wrong, but if it does not come easy expressing them in public, then don't. You are no less of a man for doing things in a way that is best for you. If you are deeply upset and feel like crying then do so, it can be incredibly therapeutic, but do not let anyone tell you that it is the only way to behave.
There is no room in society for men to be brutal to each other, there is no room for a man ever to hit a woman, there is no room for a man to keep a woman down, there is no room for a man to threaten others with force. The time for using physical strength, bullying and chest beating has passed. OK, so not all men have mentally evolved at the same pace and some 'Knuckle Dragging Neanderthals' still remain, but these individuals will steadily disappear.
As the more economically independent women assert themselves, such a man will find it increasingly difficult to find a partner. Women do not want a man like this. Which is a good thing as such men will be forced to reveal their desirable masculine qualities. Others like yourself have nothing to fear. Rush out and embrace New Woman, it is a chance to develop and the prize in long term happiness is great.
A golden opportunity for men to bring out their qualities is upon us. Look at the male heroes both men and women admire in any walk of life, whether adventurers, scientists, politicians, doctors or film characters. They all have similar traits, of independence, of never giving up, of overcoming obstacles, of reason, of ploughing a lone furrow, of strong protective caring, of standing up for their beliefs without apology and without excuse. These are the qualities of strength which can define a modern man. They are the determination, perseverance, invention, imagination and energy that males have retained from past times to present day. They are our inheritance. When it comes to finding a mate, accept that we will always be rivals, because this is also our inheritance, though we use prestige, wealth, position and power against each other, instead of spears, clubs, stones and muscle. There is nothing wrong with this, it's life, it's nature.
As liberated women have the right to have their desires in life met, it is now not enough to simply out compete other men, you must have qualities that women seek for this era, as our forefathers had for their particular era. A man's physical strength must now play second fiddle to his actions. Our conscious decisions control our actions, therefore as you are not a robot in the grip of the devil, you are capable of rational, reasonable, inventive choice. You are able to modify your behavior to display your attractive qualities to a woman, to become anything you want. Laziness is your only enemy.
Relationships are partnerships, not dictatorships and like all such arrangements you have to bring benefits to the partnership, otherwise there is no advantage for the other person in having you as a partner. This is a breath of fresh air for a man. Get rid of all that old stuff about women as 'millstones'. We should encourage women to do what they like. It is liberating for us and it is liberating for them.
In a magazine survey carried out in the UK it was revealed that 74% of all divorces are instigated by women. Think about that. Did these women need these men, were these men bringing anything to the partnership? No. I bet such men were either confused about their roles, or using the old physical values - intimidation using size, anger or finance, as a method of control. Perhaps some were trying too hard to be the New Age Feminine Man and were getting upset because they couldn't strap on their plastic breasts. A partnership between two people is based on a very basic form of supply and demand. You have to supply what she wants and likewise, she has to supply what you want. If you do not, then she has every right to leave you for someone else, just as you have every right to leave her. The idea of ownership of another human being is dying, if not dead. If ideals of love and loyalty bind you to your partner then rekindle them. It takes work and effort to keep love going, you cannot live without food, your children don't respond without praise, your partnerships do not last without a labor of love.
The divorce figures show that men are a bit slow to come to terms with this. There are certain criteria a woman looks for in a man, certain laws he must not transgress and certain needs he must fulfill. These are irrespective of individual female tastes for rich men, tough men, tall men or bald men. They are universally evolved requirements and you have them already.
A man must be able to satisfy his partner, mentally, emotionally and sexually. Women have demands in these three spheres. As sexual beings, like you and I, they have the right to find pleasure and satisfaction for themselves. A man must know the difference between sex and love making, know when the time comes for understanding and how it differs from being condescending, comprehend the value of appreciating and not taking his partner for granted. A man who puts his efforts and endeavors into satisfying a woman mentally, emotionally and sexually will have a partner who truly loves him. By the simple and easy act of bringing fulfillment to his mate, by doing what he enjoys, a man can effortlessly reclaim his masculinity.
In tribal days the strong man won and kept his mate; in modern days the strong man can still win and keep his mate. Do not only take my word, your experiences after reading this book will tell you. Ask an honest woman and she will tell you that women are attracted to dominant masterful men, who display kindness and compassion. Women have become less dependent on men, but they have not become independent from men. There is no reason to fear strong women, their female natures still make them attracted to strong men, but we have to show our strength in a new way because the only Saber-toothed tigers threatening to maul us are the ones in our own heads...........
You Are Not To Blame
"First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity" George Bernard Shaw.
Joe Simpson was a school friend of mine. He was brilliant both on the sports field and in the class room. There appeared nothing that was too difficult for him, nothing he could not do and being young, there was also nothing that could keep his arrogance under control. With girls however, he was not so popular. His boastful, overconfident ways and constant sexual innuendo made the girls shy away him. You probably knew a similar type - always one of the lads, full of 'locker-room' bravado but never really attractive to the ladies. As he grew up his knowledge of the female sex was limited to the usual schoolboy ideas about girls and their sex organs, all derived secondhand of course. He left school, went to university, eventually married (I think to the person to whom he lost his virginity) and became a professor of law.
Years later I met him, a shadow of his former bullish self and without any signs of his early cockiness. What had happened to change him? His wife had left him for another man. Millions of women do the same partners every year. Joe admitted that he blamed himself. He had not been able to satisfy her needs. He had never taken the time to truly understand her mind, her emotions or her body. She had run off with a man who made her laugh and with whom she was now having orgasms aplenty no doubt.
Joe's unfortunate story illustrates the fact that men are never taught the important things in life. When you were at school, you learnt more about mathematics than the Greek Mathematician Pythagoros, knew more about physics than the English Physicist Newton and understood the universe better than the Italian Astronomer Galileo. Education and knowledge are like a snowball rolling down a mountain, it just keeps on growing in size. You were taught more than your parents, and your children will be taught more than you, but after the school examinations how many of us care about academic subjects?
Did you spend your adolescence wondering about geometry, algebra and the Big Bang? Well I bloody well didn't. There's only one subject that preoccupies the male mind at this time of life and most other times of his life. The topic that permanently bedevils a man is - how to meet, treat and sexually satisfy women. That's what matters to us. This lack of instruction on the most important subject in a man's upbringing is ridiculous at this time in our development. The desire to meet and have sex with a woman, can drive us to extreme lengths and brings out the best and worst in us. What good is knowing about angles, electricity and black holes if in later life you end up like Joe; lonely, rejected and your partner is happily being shagged by another man?
"I was tortured by sexual desire and had been for many years" W.B. Yeats.
If you could have a Masters degree in women, sex, how to be a good parent, how to make money and how to start a business, your life would be so much easier wouldn't it? It would be fantastic to know these things at an early age and not have to wait until your on your deathbed and think "Oh, I understand now". Too late, mate. Men who are willing to learn and improve, who now decide to develop the positive aspects of their masculinity, who make the effort to comprehend women mentally and physically, are the only ones with the long-term harmonious prospects. If you are not prepared to come to terms with this, then tough shit! Enjoy your loneliness, I'll send a postcard from Paradise.
It is fantasy to expect the education system to ever tell you about such matters. In a perfect world you would have hoped a father, or close male relative, would have taken you aside at some stage, to explain something about sex and women to you. Not the usual sex talk you may have received at home or school; that is breeding education not sex education. You are told what to do but how to do it. You are taught how to make babies but not how to make love, you hear of the biological technicalities of the human organism, but not of the way to help a woman orgasm. Dream on, Ben.
Perhaps I am being too hard on our male relatives as they would have been under the same misapprehensions as the rest of us, because nobody would have explained anything to them either, so how could they have helped us? That is the hardest part of being a man - you have always to find out the important things for yourself.
There is nothing that can raise the male spirit and esteem more, than being popular and liked by the female sex, it is so basic to our natures. How does it feel when your lady friend recognizes you as a great lover? How about your partner being loved romanced and satisfied by you, in a way no other man has ever done? How good can it get when a woman appreciates and considers you a 'real' man? Nothing comes close. Certainly not all the years wasted learning how to calculate the long side of a triangle, that is for sure.
Knowing how men and women are different, the reason they are different, what to do with that difference and how to bring happiness to you both, is the key for a superb life.
Ever had a woman slap your face, or shout at you, bang a door and storm off? If you haven't already, you will at some time of your life. Afterwards you think to yourself, what the hell is wrong with that woman? What more could I do? Few men purposely go out their way to upset their partners, just by being a man and doing manly things is enough to bring a typhoon of rage down on your head. There are few more miserable things in life than sitting at home on a rainy Sunday afternoon, with a woman who is angry with you Even if you are the most selfish man in the universe (and aren't we all; "You're the most selfish man in the universe"; "If you say so, dear"), you want your partner happy as a companion, happy as a woman and happy sexually. So how is it then we are forever ending up on the wrong end of a tongue lashing? Because we never had any teachers, nobody ever helped us and we make honest mistakes.
We all start using trial and error to begin with, but none of us get put on trial often enough for our liking. Experience of women and sowing your wild oats for most men wouldn't reap a harvest to prevent a family of door mice begging in the streets. During your early learning period you can certainly make big 'cock-ups' in your own and others lives, resulting in a fragile confidence with the opposite sex being shattered. Undoubtedly at some stage, you would have been told "What a horrible and self-centered man you really are" by a woman. Some men are horrible and self-centered. As a young man you may have been one of them for a time. However, a lot more men are sincere amateurs struggling to learn and improve. It is not a man's fault when things go wrong. We are trying hard to teach ourselves and frequently don't know what to do.
Men really want to know about women. Men want to develop, men want to out compete other men for a woman's attentions and men want to make their female partners happy. Given a chance, you are quite capable of becoming a figure to be respected by a modern woman. As men have been put under increasing sexual and economic stress over recent times, there has been panic and as a reaction either our wimpish side or our warrior side often comes out, but we are not intrinsically weaklings or psychopaths. The reasoning and mental powers that made us conquerors of the planet, discoverers of continents, allowed us to adapt to all dangers and changes, can be easily utilized to make ourselves and our female co-habitors fulfilled.
When you start out filled with love, passion and sexual desires for women, with crackling voice and a serious hormone imbalance that can give you an erection at the sight of a high-heeled shoe, not only do you start off with the same unsophisticated image of women as your grandfather, you start off with the same unsophisticated image as Pythagoros's grandfather! Some knowledge does not roll down the hill getting bigger.
We are all in the same boat. We all started off without anyone telling us a damn thing and as a result we should not feel guilty for past mistakes and unfortunate upsets caused to women. You did your best then but now you can do much better, because now you can learn what women actually want and look for in a man. That is the reason you're reading this. You're more than halfway there already because you have the desire to improve. Some men think that because their first attempts at satisfying and attracting women were a disaster, they are forever hopeless cases. Total bullshit, forget that nonsense. All our early attempts at satisfying women were a disaster, for men alive everywhere this is a truth.
I have never met an honest man whose first tries at forming any relationship containing orgasmic sex, were not really bad. There is no doubt that self-esteem can take an enormous blow, because every other 'jerk' you speak to and every man you read about, seemingly has no problems having his girlfriend bouncing around having multiple orgasms. You of course ejaculate at the drop of a hat, leaving you with a sympathetic, if somewhat frustrated, girlfriend. I remember losing my virginity. The shock of actually getting it in was so great I think I ejaculated before I had managed a single thrust. The woman thought I didn't like her and couldn't get it up. This of course never stopped me from freely giving advice to my friends. Such is the young mans world. Peer pressure is all, maintaining face is everything. To pretend otherwise is delusion. This is where the misinformation starts. It has always been like this and will probably always be like this. Competition and comradeship amongst adolescent males is so strong, you just have to be part of the crowd and so cannot admit you are not so sure about what to do.
The magic of women and their sex organs leads to many a strange tale being told to you by older males and friends - distorting the young mind forever in some cases. I recall myself and others telling a particularly innocent boy, that the first time he had sex the top of his penis would come off and he believed us. Furtive glances at nude magazines, between heavy bouts of masturbation, only add to the intrigue. Finally, when you have the chance to actually 'do it', you find its not like you imagined at all and things aren't in the position you thought. It is more of a relief to lose your virginity than any magical experience. Only the most arrogant would claim to being great lovers at this stage (and if you asked their hapless girlfriends you would get a different answer because these men are liars).
"Quite a few women told me, one way or another, that they thought it was sex, not youth, that's wasted on the young...." Janet Harris
After getting over the initial euphoria of actually losing your virginity, you probably start having sex more regularly. This leads to a period of self-analysis in front of the mirror to ask a very important question. A question that is at the back of every mans mind. A question some dare not even contemplate in case the truth be told. A question that can persist for the whole of a mans active sex life. What is this fearful question? It is this. "Am I any good as a lover?" The answer for most men is sadly, maybe not, but you can be. (There is a second traumatic question which is "Am I big enough in the penis department?" Which we will discuss in a later chapter).
One day I was in the park watching a man with his new girlfriend sitting on a bench opposite me. They were both in their twenties and being a keen observer of people, I gazed at them. Let us not pretend he was interested in her mind. We all know young men pursue young women for sexual conquest. Let us not pretend either, that women are somehow unaware of this and are constantly unwilling partners in sex. Women are sexual beings too, but discriminate more than we do about who will share their body. (Well, some of them).
The man had obviously decided the time had now come to cement their newfound affection with some fornication. Perhaps she had too, I do not know. However well intentioned this man was and however keen his girlfriend may have been, he kept making basic mistakes in his attempts to have the woman go to bed with him. After making his first less than subtle public overtures to try and get inside her jeans, she rejected his advances. He followed up by going in the huff, launching another fruitless effort, playing little boy lost, then ended with the classic finale of blaming the women for being frigid. He never stood a chance because he never gave her what she required before she would agree to have sex
I watched this thinking, "My God I am turning into a dirty old man". Then I felt sorry for the woman and considered the man to be one of a dying breed. Here was somebody in his late twenties and still behaving like a schoolboy, still totally unaware of what excites and interests a woman. As you get older, seduction methods that may have proved lucky as a teenager, have no impact with women. Later, my attitude softened when it dawned on me, that we probably all have some kind of weakness or insecurity when it comes to women and sex, all stemming from our younger days.
There is a great deal of shame in admitting that you do not fully understand a woman mentally, emotionally and sexually, isn't there? That's why we don't admit it of course, but it is an unfortunate truth.
If you were never taught to drive a car and then all of a sudden had one, would you make mistakes in your determined efforts to succeed? Of course, it goes without saying. If unexpectedly you had a child to look after, would you make mistakes in your loving endeavors to help that child? Of course you would. Imagine how much more difficult it is to understand another living being, for whom you have a chemical and sexual attraction that destroys all logical thought and who is herself changing and growing with her own desires and needs. Do you make mistakes? Of course you bloody do. Our base instincts provide the motivation, but to progress we need to employ the positive masculine characteristics of perseverance, determination, imagination and energy. We need to channel the male force into a new heroic effort.
If men were good lovers and women recognized them as such, would this change the world? Yes, it probably would. Men need to feel appreciated and masculine. Being recognized as a wonderful lover fulfills the powerful demands of the male ego.
World peace begins in the bedroom, satisfying them can satisfy us. Who then will tell us the secrets of the holy grail?
"Excuse me, can you tell me how to make love properly?", is not the question that flows readily off the tongue and what sort of man asks such a question to his friends? Who would be prepared to lose face and admit you don't know what to do? Not me. It's bad enough when you're at school, but how can you ever utter such words when you're in your 30's, 40's or 50's and you still have the same problems. No man wants to expose himself in this way and quite right. It is not our nature.
There are bits of information that men needs to help them scattered around in the various sex books you can purchase, they are all concerned with orgasm and growing an enormous hard 'cock'. What the people who write these books fail to realize is, what is the worth of knowing how to give your wife twenty orgasms when she won't even sit in the same room as you? The publishers of male self-help books also fail to realize that a man cannot easily go into a shop, seek out books that assists him in women and sex, then take it to a female shop assistant after standing in a queue with his new purchase on visble display to the whole world. (Why is it that when you try to make a discreet purchase and you put the book face down on the counter so the retailer can see the price, they always turn it over and leave it face up on the desk for all to see? Buggers.)
It is intolerable for our male minds to have to make a public admission that we do not know what to do. It is hard enough for a man going to buy a packet of condoms in a busy shop, when he is actually going to have sex. Think what it can do to you, to feel you are shouting to everyone that not only are you not getting much in the way of 'knobbing', but you wouldn't know what to do if you were! Men just don't behave like this That is why I will never sell this book in the shops. It is not justifiable to publicly humiliate a man when he strives to improve himself.
Though some books contain excellent information, the only people who can tell us 'How to be Great Lovers' are women. The definition of a Great Lover is a man who satisfies a woman, in and out of bed. You must do both. This takes all your masculine qualities and stretches them to the limit. It is one of the last great challenges to face men. Forget the deep sea or outer space shit, women are the final frontier. We need our mental power to satisfy a woman's spirit and our physical power to satisfy a woman's body. Liberated women can tell us what they look for in a man, what makes them choose a man, what they appreciate in a man and of course what makes them sexually fulfilled. It is a great time to be alive. Women are now prepared to tell us what they want, instead of complaining at our shortcomings. They cannot tell you enough. I could have written ten books with the material I have.
Some women can never be made happy, some women are always happy, some women are pleasant, some women nasty, some women have specific sexual tastes, some women have none, some women like to be dominated, some women always seek to dominate, some women hate men, some women love men. All women are the same and all women are unique. Same in the way their base desires have been shaped by the biological forces of evolution, unique in their personal wants and desires.
What is vitally important for all men to understand, is that certain sexually selected characteristics apply to all women and all men. That is why they are women and we are men, nature made us different for a purpose. The sexes are complementary opposites and as a result, there are certain things a man can do, to romance, impress, love and satisfy most women he encounters. There are other things outside his control. For instance, what is referred to as 'chemistry' between couples, or her preference for a particular type of man. This cannot be manufactured or altered. All you can concern yourself with in life, are the things you can control and in satisfying a woman's needs, there is a lot a man can control.
"You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked a clear question" Albert Camus
Any man with some practice and effort can become a Great Lover. This is a truer definition of modern man. The feminine 'Let's Hold Hands And Cry In A Circle In Our Open Toed Sandals' man, is a recent invention and few, if any, women are attracted to him. Women want a man at ease with his masculinity, a man who is willing to show his prowess not just during sexual intercourse, one who constantly displays masculine qualities that can be thought of as being those of a charming man, a man women can laugh and relax with. The time has come to be such men. The world is changing, society is changing, women are changing and it is the most glorious opportunity for men to develop their masculinity to meet these changes. There is, however, one aspect of life that will never change.
Men vie against each other, at various levels, to win a partner. In nature, it is invariably the female who decides with whom she will mate. We are still part of nature and like Birds of Paradise, we puff out our chests and display our plumage when we see a gorgeous female.
Place an attractive woman in a room with some men and watch a whole evening change. The law of the jungle kicks in. Friends stabbing (only verbally, normally) each other in the back, to win the attention of the lovely lady. Each man attempts to display his prowess in one form or another, either by rebutting his now opponents, or sneakily trying to impress her by stating things out of character, like the skinhead I heard saying to a girl, "We should all adopt puppies for Christmas you know". You all know what I am talking about and the garbage some men say to women. Rather than battle it out physically to see who is Mr. Elephant Seal and Beachmaster, these days we embark on vocal jousting. Put the other man down, display your own qualities, that's the name of the game. This is nature at its most basic. Winner takes all. Whether you work with your brain or your hands, you are subject to this universal law. Even though the women will decide on her own criteria whom she finds the most attractive, the men inevitably engage in their futile chest-beating.
Sitting in a pub with my friend Keith one day, having a drink and a laugh, a girlfriend of mine just happened to walk in with her friends. Within minutes of my introducing them, my good old backslapping beery buddy was saying to her, "Has he told you yet that he's been arrested for sexually molesting hamsters? His instinct was to put me down to impress her. Have you ever had a similar experience? Probably. When your best friend had a girlfriend and you didn't, how did you feel? you're a man, sexual jealousy is a powerful emotion within you. I bet you hated it. The first law of the universe is that men are in direct competition with each other to attract the best mate.
Women, and the females of all species, set the selection rules and you must learn to play by them, as they are the ones who decide which man will have sex with them. If you play your own game then you will lose out. Independent women are making the selection criteria more difficult and more and more of them are deciding to forego having a partner, because men are not offering what they want.
As recently as my parents time, if you waited long enough you were bound to meet someone. Even if it was not your first, second or third choice, you would eventually end up marrying somebody. In those times, women wanted to get married, for social and economic reasons. This is no longer the case. Economically, women need men less and less. In the UK over the next thirty years there is going to be a huge shortfall in housing. The reason is due to the demand by single women for small apartments to live by themselves.
Do women still want male partners, even though they are economically free and are divorcing men left, right and center? Yes they do. No matter who or what you are, with a little adaptation of your masculinity and some practice, you can get ahead of the male competition by providing a woman with what she wants and as a result get her to give you what you want.
All men who make the effort are capable of becoming absolutely bloody fantastic lovers, worthy partners and wizards in understanding the other half of the human race. To succeed, do not play the traditional mans game but play to a new set of rules. Offer a woman what she wants, not what you think she wants. Men have adapted throughout time to change, in all facets of their life. This is why we are the most successful species on the planet. You are the carrier of this tradition. Put into practice what you are about to read and you will definitely have better relationships, happier female partners and a happier life.
The first step to getting ahead, is coming to terms with the subject that has baffled males from the Fuegian savage to the man who sells me beer - the workings of the female mind..........
"....why haven't women got labels on their foreheads saying 'Danger, government health warning: women can seriously damage your brains.....'" Jeffrey Bernard
The musings of the female mind have long been a mystery to men. At one stage we had to burn women as witches because their thought processes were so unusual it just had to be the work of the devil. I cannot think of any man I know, who has not at some stage been baffled by a suggestion, or comment, from his partner. Happily they have stopped short of burning their 'significant others' over a mound of twigs in the garden, tempting though this may have been at the time.
I remember when I was a student walking through the business faculty at my college. There was a course being advertised on the notice board. 'Accounting for Women' it proclaimed. A few days later I walked past again. Written underneath was "There's no accounting for women", no doubt put there by a philosophy student destined for great things. "Yep", I thought, that just about sums it up.
Women are without question, different from men in the way they look at the world, something both sexes can agree on. There's a tremendously informative little book on this subject by John Gray called ' Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus' about our mental distinctions which all men should read. Throughout my adult life, feminist propaganda and New Age ideals have been stating men and women were somehow the same but in different bodies. you've probably come across the same nonsense yourself. Many thanks Mr. Gray, for your research and for saying it - there are differences in mentality between men and women. It is one of those subjects you have always known in your heart to be true, but you need a respected figure to write it down in order to give your disorganized thoughts some conviction. For many years I thought I was 'losing it' and wondered why no one could see this..
Different does not mean inferior. Different means different. Men had to evolve the way they did to survive and women had to evolve along their own path to survive, because let's face it, it couldn't be much fun living with Mr.. Primitive Savage. (Her - "Nice day hunting dear?" Him - "Aaaaaaaaaaaargh"; now its, Her - "Nice day at the office dear?", Him - "mmmmmmmph"). The women's role was to provide nurture and stability to the children and without women, hunting, gathering and wandering would have continued indefinitely. If men provide the bricks of society then women are the cement of that society. To be as they are, provide and care for children and put up with the excesses of the males, women needed to develop a different psychology, a different perspective and different priorities.
The evolution of our mental and emotional differences are built on three sexual differences, one has to do with intercourse, one has to do with sexual power and one has to do with physical strength.
Intercourse. You do not need to be Einstein to realize that there needs to develop a distinction between the one who does the sexual penetrating and the one who is about to be penetrated. Sex is a different proposition if you are the weaker one lying underneath letting someone enter your body. The weaker passive one who 'surrenders' needs to have another mentality from the stronger active one who controls. The consequences of intercourse for women are potentially life changing i.e. pregnancy and childbirth. As humanity developed, women put themselves at risk physically and biologically every time they had intercourse. For them mating was not something to be approached lightly.
Sexual Power. Women are born with a hold over a man, it is sexual power.
"Women run the world, God dealt them all the cards between their legs" James Jones.
On TV Nature Programmes, the male animals strut their stuff, putting on displays and fighting, to win over the female. The female is always won over by the male with the qualities that will improve the species. The males have to develop and display the attributes that the female desires. it's the only way his sperm is going anywhere. The one who lets the male satisfy his lust is the one with the choice and therefore the one with the power.
These same natural rules and power games once applied to human selection. The woman selecting the man who offered the best chances of survival i.e. the strongest and fittest. All well and good for the women, however, once men discovered religion that was the end of that. God's word (as interpreted by men of course), was used to take away a woman's power. Their sexuality over us had to be evil and so they had to cover themselves in order that their devilishness wouldn't arouse us, they obviously could never be priests or mullahs and generally be burned at the stake (again) if the Pope woke up with an erection.
A much stronger man can also use another method to take a woman's power, it is called rape. Rape has nothing to do with sexual selection or sexual attraction, in fact like religion, it is purely another method of removing the sexual prerogative of women. This time in the name of force instead of the name of God. Men have never accepted the fact that women have this power over us and women have constantly had to alter their behavior accordingly.
Physical Strength. Lastly, women are at the physical mercy of the much stronger man. Practically all men can kill any woman with their bare hands. An unarmed woman poses only a very minor physical threat to a man. What this means is that women needed protection and had to develop mental skills and guile as self-defense. This is a very important factor that we as men must be aware of when considering a woman's attitude to life in general. Think on this, a woman's mental attitude to men is based on self-defense.
For you and I it is difficult to imagine what it must be like to have a larger stronger person penetrate you with his sex organ. You are regarded as daughter of Satan because you gave him that erection in the first place, you have limited physical abilities against rape and violence, and intercourse can lead to childbirth and possibly death. Sounds terrible doesn't it? What a nightmare, how could you handle a life like that?.
A man couldn't and this is why we are different. Nature gave women a specific inner strength and mentality to cope with their specific lives. Somebody once told me that men were strong on the outside but soft in the middle and women were soft on the outside but strong in the middle. You know, I think that this is the case.
In addition to all this, women have to put up with the often unpleasant symptoms during and leading up to menstruation. These are hormonal and chemical changes in the body which constantly effect their mood and decisions. This is different from developing a 'mind set' based on survival of the species, but it still is another cross to bear. I go through moods myself; it just so happens some women go through my yearly moods in a month. I once lived with a woman who went through major behavioral changes related to her menstruation. One morning I gave her a pot of tea in bed to try and ease her trauma and then returned to eating my breakfast. A few moments later she stormed through to where I was quietly sitting, munching my Corn Flakes and tipped my breakfast over my head! My crime was to have put too many tea-leaves in the teapot. We are talking serious chemical imbalances of the brain here.
Luckily for everyone, most women are endowed with a resilience and let's be thankful for that. However, the millions of years of evolution that left one sex physically weaker and the sole carrier of the offspring, continues as you would expect, to condition the decisions and choices of today. The shadow of survival still darkens the actions of both men and women. We all have basic fears rooted deep in parts of our early reptile brain and the fears that existed 100,000 years ago are still fears now. Three of them lie within a woman's mind and are very close to the surface. Being rejected, being judged and being abandoned are the fundamental female fears that shape their behavior. The man who eases these fears is the man to whom they are attracted. Due to these in-built anxieties, there is one thing that a woman puts a premium on when looking for a mate.
This quality can be summarized in one word and it is something all men must develop. The word is strength. Not the strength of managing to do five hundred push-ups, using one hand with a sack of potatoes strapped to your back, but an inner strength. It is the strength of reliability, the power of stability, the might of decisiveness, the vigor of faithfulness, the potency of sensitivity. It is the towering STRENGTH of TRUST and SECURITY. A man strong enough to accept his RESPONSIBILITY.
Women want and respect masterful men, not bossy and cruel men, but men in charge of themselves and their destinies; men who know where they are going. I have never come across a woman who does not wish this in a man. Women respect a man who has an inner strength greater than theirs. It is one of the important laws of human selection.
Throughout history, women have always looked to men with this attribute of strength. The ideal partner may have strength of ambition, strength through social standing or strength through wealth. Wealth is only a representation of a mans power, nothing more and that is why women are attracted to the men who attain it. In all societies wealth in whatever disguise, is the easiest measure of a mans brawn, but not the only one. Women are not purely financially orientated as they will not distinguish between financial wealth and wealth of ambition. An ambitious passionate artist can prove just as attractive as an old Greek shipping magnate because both are displaying strength through different avenues.
In a woman's psyche the stronger the man, the less likely he is to reject, judge or abandon her, hence his big attraction. She will start to lose interest in you or become anxious when you become unreliable, unstable, indecisive unfaithful or insensitive, as you no longer fulfill her psychological needs, but start to represent the big three fears.
The mental differences that exist between the Penetrator and the Penetrated and the whole risk factor associated with intercourse, means a woman has evolved an attitude that she can only give herself to a strong man who has won her trust - the same rule that applies to all other male and female creatures on the Earth.
How then can you accomplish this? How do you get a woman to recognize you as a man of strength? Do you need to head off, canvas in hand, live in Paris, paint wonderful pictures and die in an attic of Tuberculosis, or move to Athens, woo opera singers and buy a shipping fleet? No, it is much easier than that.
You can display your strength by your actions towards her. By building her self-esteem, romancing her and letting her express herself verbally, you will be recognized as a responsible, trustworthy man of steel, a figure to look up to. Sounds too easy I know, but it is not to be underestimated. When you are perceived as such a man, a woman has an absolutely infinite capacity to love you. There is nothing stronger, more supportive or joyful, than finding a woman who truly loves you. Going back to a previous metaphor, if women were cars they could travel one hundred miles on a teaspoon of love, but not even nature's greatest invention can run on empty. The true modern man is a man who applies his masculine prowess to ensure that her tank is full (if you get my drift) and becomes recognized as a masterful man for whom there is no need for her to maintain the self-protective mechanism.
Self-esteem is of such vital importance to a woman's opinion towards herself and you, that I cannot stress it strongly enough. I have seen countless beautiful women, you know the type that make you feel sad when you see them because they are so gorgeous, stay at home night after night because they believe no one will find them attractive. I have seen others with bodies of Goddesses, starve themselves to anorexic stick insects, because they think they look too fat. Why? They have no self-esteem. Emotionally and mentally empty. A tragedy and a complete waste.
The strong man (that now means you), always looks at ways to build up a woman's all too fragile self-esteem. Once the self-esteem is established, a woman can love you, respect you, relax with confidence, enjoy herself and welcome your attentions. Without it, you're going to be living with an unresponsive rag, prone to jealousy, moods and shouting. Love is merely a feeling a person has within themselves when they are with another, it is a selfish emotion. By taking care of a woman's self-esteem you stimulate those feelings within her that make her feel love towards you. When confidence is high and you make her feel feminine then frankly there isn't anything she won't do for you.
So then how do you encourage and nurture this precious jewel of self-esteem? You do this by your actions and your actions want to achieve these results:
To make her feel sought after as a woman.
To make her feel cherished as a person.
To support her.
To take her side.
To give tenderness and sympathy.
This may sound a hell of a lot of work but actually it comes naturally to us, because we have all at some stage done these very things with a woman. You may know it by another name.... romance. The act of constantly and softly romancing her is the key to building her confidence in herself and in your masculinity.
"All women think they merit to be lov'd" Ovid.
When you become entranced by a woman you recognize her as the center of the world, take a continual interest in her well-being and give her as much time as you can when she feels down. You would stand on your head with a funny hat on, if it brought a smile to her face. Who amongst us has not at some stage behaved like a complete prat when trying to display his undying affections?
Romance is a time when women are made to feel special by the men who are trying to win their hearts. Their self-esteem blossoms like a cherry tree. All too often it's the first and last time, because we as men once victorious over their feelings, just give up. No need to bother any more; they're in the kitchen cooking dinner. It is a male trait that once we have conquered, we need a new challenge, whether it be other women or business and set our sights accordingly. Our partners, on the other hand, need to be continually won over by us to keep feeling loved. ("You never say you love me anymore". Ever heard that?).
The importance of romance in a woman's life can be seen on any magazine stand. Look at a random sample of fiction sold to men and women. Male fiction is big on action but short on emotions. The hero will kick and punch his way through the story, shag all the women who throw themselves at his ruggedness, then 'zip-off' for another adventure. This appeals to how many of us would secretly like to live our lives.
Female fiction is short on action but big on emotions. The heroine has a miserable life before falling in love with a handsome masterful man who can see the beauty within her. He loves her for what she is. He wins her heart by using his strength to overcome obstacles, then he carries her off to a life of blissful togetherness, always sensitive to her womanly desires. This appeals to how many women would secretly like to live their lives.
The message is glaringly obvious; women want, need and value romance in their lives. Women have become less dependent on men, but they have not become independent from men. This is why female fiction is such a great bookseller, it appeals to those happy togetherness fantasies of being cared for and loved by a trustworthy stable man.
The man who knows how to romance a woman, is a man with a smile on his face, but the romance must be pursued with taste and subtlety, particularly when involved in a new relationship. Above all, it must be non- threatening or intrusive. If she makes it plain to you that your intentions are unwelcome, then cease immediately. Better to lose out in love on this occasion, than be branded a creep, or arrested as a stalker, even though you are only a lovelorn romantic. Keep your powder dry for someone who will appreciate you. If an initial advance is not rejected then the passionate man must, like the hero in female fiction, win the heart of the fair maiden with positive action.
Determination and invention are his watchwords. No effort is too great. A tip for would be romantics is, at some stage carry out as many of these classes of action which women value as romantic. The more you do the more chance of success, but do not make yourself a slave to your passion, retain your dignity. Selective and Random are far more powerful than, Everything and Predictable;
Dining out (lunch rather than dinner in the early stages),
Hugs without kisses,
The touching of hands,
Publicly displaying your affection for her,
Revealing your softer side through love letters,
Cuddles and intimacy without sex,
Not rushing to have intercourse with her,
Gifts and flowers for no reason
Cooking her meals and
Everything else you will read in Chapter 9 "18 Ways To Bring Out Her Love".
With all of the above start small and casual, then build up. Initially, better a coffee in a cafe than a five course dinner at a restaurant, better a quick "I think of you daily" in a letter, than a two hundred verse excruciating love poem, as some of us are prone to do. Ouch! The more informal and relaxed you keep it the more she will enjoy it.
How will a woman react to this? She will LOVE IT. All the women I have ever met, or spoken to, WANT TO BE WOOED by a romantic man. There is nothing that can make a woman feel more like a woman and raise her self-esteem, than being romanced. It is the way to create that feeling of love within her. Make sure you retain some cool and mystery, as you do not want to put her off or frighten her. There is a thin line between the strong romantic man and being a complete nerd. If after several efforts there is no encouragement then cease all romantic efforts immediately. To continue is folly. She is not going to succumb to your charms.
For you there is an enormous side benefit to all of this, because the more feminine you make a woman feel and the more you romance her, the more of a man you yourself will feel. It really does make you want to stand on top of a hill, make rutting noises like a stag and beat your chest. Constant and small acts of romance towards any woman is good for YOU.
There is one other aspect of life that is important for raising a woman's self-esteem, for which they are much criticized. It is talking and if you are like me, it is the most difficult for a man to deal with. Men only speak when we believe we have something important to say, or when we have a problem and need an immediate solution. Women, on the other hand, value speaking for its own sake. Who amongst us has not cringed when our female partners have said "Let's sit down and talk about this".
"Who dreads a curtain lecture worse than hell" Robert Burns.
Verbal analysis seems to be their want. If I were writing a book for women entitled "What a Man Wants From A Woman" it would be very brief. "Ladies! less analysis; more physical action. The End".
A little of that male perseverance is what is needed. I mean if our male ancestors could trek for days across the Savannah patiently hunting a Hairy Mammoth, then we can use our male qualities to sit and listen for twenty minutes (mmmm... where's that hairy elephant gone?). For women talking represents all that is good in a relationship, the sharing, the mutual communication and reinforces the bonding. When two lady friends meet they will talk about all topics. Randomly going from one to the other in great detail. Talking is a support system for them, offering therapy and mental clarity.
As John Gray says in his book, women are very much relationship orientated and are keen amateur psychologists. Talking is their psychiatrist's couch. It is their means of exploring and conveying feelings, unburdening themselves, solving their problems. It is thinking out loud.
Men often see this as perpetual nagging, attacks on them, chatter or babble, but it is not. It plays an essential role in a woman's life. Though I do remember a particularly cynical friend of mine asking me a question related to this.
"Why do women knit?" he queried.
"Don't know" said I.
"To occupy their minds while they talk" he quipped.
Seriously though, a man must learn to let his partner talk without interrupting and offering advice. This is important and can be particularly hard to do. Doubly so, when you are the object of the discussion. No solutions, interruptions, or suggestions, just patience and understanding with the occasional grunt to show you're still following proceedings. Staying cool and relaxed amid the words helps her and will benefit you in your new guise of strong man.
By building self-esteem, romancing and accepting talking as an integral part of femininity, a man can go a long way in fulfilling his partners mental and emotional needs.
Men and women though different, complement each other like night and day, hot and cold, soft and hard. Accept this as part of life's rich tapestry rather than try to change your partner to be one of your mates, but with breasts and a short skirt. Likewise, retain your strength and dignity and do not let her turn you into a glove puppet. Though she may try (and they all test you to some degree), you will be respected for maintaining your strength and character. If you work on finding the differences in thought attractive, rather than frustrating, and realize that different does not mean inferior, then your well down the road towards the place where vigorous charming men reside. But......................
You may think to yourself "My partner can trust me, she knows I love her, why should I bother?" The compelling reason why a man should romance his partner to keep her happy is a straightforward fact. If you cannot, or do not want to meet your partner's needs, you will know how true it is when I say she will either find another man who will satisfy her, or she will leave you. If you still want her love, affection and body then you must work to keep her, simple as that. More and more women are voting with their feet, make sure your not the one who hears the footsteps disappearing down the path. When a woman falls in love it is because of the way she feels about herself when she is with you, when that feeling goes she is more likely to look for a man that she feels good about herself with. This is what affairs are.
Do you ever wonder what happens when your wives or girlfriends go out without you? I'll tell you. Other men take an interest in them and start to compete for their attentions. It happens in offices, at bus stops, in shops, in clubs; it happens everywhere. Old or young, makes no difference, some man somewhere will find your woman desirable. Have you ever been attracted to a women when you've been out, at the office, at a party or on the bus and tried to impress them? Of course you have. Does it stop you if she's married or probably going out with someone? Not at all. It is the way of life, the power of sexual attraction.
Not only are there other men around desperately trying to get them into bed, it now appears from studies carried out at Manchester University in England, that women have hormonal urges to look for opportunities to be unfaithful. These new studies have become known as Sperm Wars. Ovulating women feel sexier and are more likely to look for a lover, who is healthier, or younger than you. It is a biologically programmed hormonal desire for the benefit of the species. At these times we faithful partners produce more sperm when our ladies return after having been away, to try and kill off any rivals sperm that may have entered her in our absence. Any rivals sperm will try to kill our 'tadpoles' off, if they've got in there first. Hence the name Sperm Wars.
Space Age minds in Stone Age bodies is how I have heard present humans described. When it comes to sex, mating and fornication, forget the Space Age mind part. It is the Stone Age that still rules supreme over our genitals.
However, there is no need to panic, it's not time start lobbying for the return of chastity belts. Human action remains under conscious control and your partner can still exercise her choice. Her conscious decision holds sway over any subconscious desire. A woman is far less likely to stray, compared to a man, once she has chosen a partner. Overall, women are more loyal. All the studies about who is more likely to be unfaithful, men or women, bear this out.
To maintain your position as her choice and ease the temptations of an affair, a man must keep his partner's fears at bay and gratify the fundamental wants and values. There can be no benefit for her in having an affair when you are one of the few men who displays the charm and romantic strength women admire and in whom she trusts. The opportunities will still be there, but she will consciously decide not to pursue them.
Make no mistake, it takes effort. It is not so much hard work to carry out a random act of romance or praise, that is easy. The hard bit comes in remembering to do it and why you are doing it. In the beginning when we "fall in love", we do everything automatically in keeping her happy. Once the "falling in love" phase dies down and the feeling goes, which it inevitably does, we enter the phase of "being in love". "Being in love" takes a lot of constant effort as we tend to start taking things for granted and pay less and less attention to our partners.
Four years is a significant time in a relationship for a man. Going back to our hunter-gatherer origins, it would take four years for a child to reach a level of independence. A man would hang around for this length of time to ensure the child's survival. The shadow of evolution darkens man by making us become less interested in our partners after four years. A little biological clock inside us urges us to go 'spread some seed'. Do you know when the overwhelming number of divorces occur? In the fourth year of marriage. Coincidence? I think not.
The seven year itch is fiction, the four year itch is real. You will start to lose interest in her and she will start to increasingly welcome the attractions of other men after this period of time. She too has a little biological clock which urges her to go find another Seed Spreader. This is why I say that it is work to keep your partner happy, part of your brain is urging you to move on. You must consciously decide to work at it, or let one of the competition romance her away. It is up to you.
What is the commonest complaint women make about their partners? Well, it is not that they have small sex organs, have breath that can make toast, or feet that can kill a sunflower at 200 paces, no sir, it is "He never listens to me".
If your main mode of unburdening yourself, solving your problems, getting matters into perspective and bringing yourself closer to others is talking, then what would make a man attractive to you? Luckily nature has given men a part of their body, which used properly, can satisfy every woman a man meets.
It is your...................
Knowing how to listen is a great skill to have. Not only is it important in the context of this book, but also in all aspects of your life. Listening has the power to improve relationships and help in interactions with every individual you meet. There is no person alive who does not want to be understood by another, to be heard by another, or to have their fears and joys recognized by another. Everyone enjoys the company of a listener. You have the ability to make anybody feel interesting by the way you react to what they say. One who has developed the sense of hearing is highly regarded as a rare and precious being by those who have spent their time exercising their tongue. A person who validates another's worries and makes them feel important is a person to befriend. People just love to talk about themselves, give them a sympathetic, kind audience and they will want your company forever.
Most men have the reputation as being poor listeners, because as boys we learned to state our case and hold our ground to protect ourselves from being bullied. Not being able to give as good as you get in the playground is suicide. This leads to the verbal jousting that we indulge in with friends, colleagues and in business throughout our adult lives. Mastering the art of using your ears takes practice, as our mouths are used to dominating. Too many men think conversation means "listen to me", so when a woman comes across a man who will listen to her, she thinks him a prized jewel.
Men's thoughts have a tendency to drift towards what we will say next, rather than what others are telling us and there is a very sound scientific explanation for this. An average man can speak at a rate of 125 words per minute but can listen at 600 words per minute. This gives us a lot of spare capacity for considering what we are going to say, when the talker is only speaking at 25% of our abilities to hear. Combine that with the male competitive edge and you have a cocktail for interruption and challenge.
Have you ever been out with a friend, or work colleague and just as you are telling them something that is important to you, they look at your watch, look around the room, interrupt with something totally unrelated and the worst of all, after you've stopped ask "Mm, what did you say?" We have all done it to others and we have all had it done to us. It is bloody annoying when you are on the receiving end isn't it? This is because we switch off, we become easily bored when it is not our turn.
There are precious few benefits in listening to most other men droning on with their opinions. We have all met at some time in our lives, the loony who insists on telling us what he would do if he were the Dictator of the country (".......and to solve unemployment I would shoot them too"). When hearing the opinions of other men that we consider to be our inferior, the competitor within keeps prompting us to present our views as better than theirs and closes our minds down to what is being said. Rarely do we take on board anything said to us unless it falls out of the mouth of a man we respect, otherwise we consider it crap and more often than not it is crap. If we had the ability to say to others "Your views are of no interest, thank you and good-bye", there would be no arguments (and probably no friends). The 600 word per minute brain easily tires when listening and so opening your mouth is always easier than opening your ears when with your fellow man. These male verbal combative exchanges we indulge in, are of no worth when dealing with a lady.
"Those who love most speak least." George Pettie.
When dealing with women a new rule applies. Another very simple rule; great lovers are great listeners. You can talk your way out of a relationship but you can listen your way into hearts and bedrooms.
Always but always, let a woman talk more than you when you are with her. It creates a feeling of intimacy and sharing within her and will make her relax and trust you. These are the signals we as men want to give out to the opposite sex and we can do so by the noncompetitive act of listening, but you have to learn to be accomplished at active listening.
Listening is a participant sport, not a piece of theater with you as part of the audience. A balancing act is necessary between talking too much, silence and talking enough to encourage the other party to continue. As with all sports there are certain laws of the game that must be followed. There is one objective when listening to a woman, that is to give the impression you are in agreement with what she is saying. Being in agreement with someone is a mighty powerful method of impressing yourself on their mind.
1. When you listen, you listen with care. Frequently repeat what she said as it shows you are intrigued by what is being said and encourages her to go on. Repeating back the last few words of a sentence lets her know you share her point of view and is an incredible trust builder.
2. Keep making eye-contact with her as she speaks as this is pleasing to your partner. Do not stare, simply the briefest of glances to keep catching the eye is sufficient.
3. At various times slip in a few "Huh-Huhs", "Mmms" and particularly effective is to use of the word "Yes", to let her know that you are still interested and still agree.
4. Listen out for the hidden agenda, especially if you feel you're in the bad books for something. She will be giving you clues even though speaking about another subject.
5. Ask some open questions. Open questions begin with "How", "What", "When" and "Where" and encourage the other person to continue talking freely. Withhold any questions that begin with "Why", as this word puts the speaker on the defensive, making them attempt to justify everything that has been said.
6. Your comments should be warm and sympathetic along the lines of "I understand", "That's fantastic", "How wonderful", "That must be so tough for you".
7. Take any criticism on the chin. Trying to defend yourself in one of these "Let's talk about our relationship" set-pieces, makes you look childish. If you do not agree and feel the male urge to express your view then use the word, AND instead of BUT.
Example:
"You've stated your case, but I .............. "
"You've stated your case, and I..............."
The first way leads to conflict, it says to her "I do not agree with what you say, here's how it is". The second way leads to peace, it says to her "I hear what you say and here is another way of looking at it".
Just as there are certain things to do, there are certain things to avoid. This is the toughest part and needs a very strong man indeed. Sometimes you are not in the mood, sometimes you find the story just too boring, sometimes your 600 word brain switches off, sometimes you feel the need to defend yourself, sometimes you would rather read or watch the television.
For the long term benefit of your partnership, put down the book or newspaper your reading, turn off the television, if you're watching and stoically do your best.
At no time interrupt her with your point of view when she is talking.
Do not give advice and solutions - women often do not want these, they just want to get the problem that is bothering them off their chest.
Stop yourself from finishing her sentences.
Pass no judgments.
Dish out no blame.
Avoid these common errors and you are in the top division of great listeners. Not many men know it but silence is one of the strongest powers they posses. If she is in full flow and you haven't been asked a direct question, never break a pregnant pause. Let her speak again. It makes you look like the strong silent type, the Clint Eastwood of the sofa. Holding a silence is one hundred times more powerful than breaking one.
When she finally finishes, acknowledge the problem, at all times take her side and for goodness' sake do not start an argument. There are few things more pathetic than hearing a wriggling man try to justify a wrongful action to a woman, because women argue with the heart not the mind, logic plays no part so you're going to lose. Accept responsibility at all times for your actions, keep the faith, keep strong. Regard listening to a woman as peaceful activity, not male rivalry. Though this is a hard one for me, making an effort has always been appreciated by my partner. A few minutes of listening is often enough time to give her reassurance and love and then contentedly get back to what you were doing. She'll be happy because you heard and understood her and will quickly get over what was bothering her. You'll be happy because you did the right thing by the human being that is closest to you and a conversation about her bad day at work, won't end up with her shouting hysterically at you "...and I've been faking my orgasms".
The more you force yourself to listen, the more enjoyable it becomes. You soon learn to hear what other persons interests are, what they are trying to convey behind their words and what mood they are in. Then as if by magic, the better you become at it, the more popular you are.
Listening - The Simplest Act Of Romance
Listening is a mature and strong activity. Using your ears to win hearts is rare in a man, but the man who does, is a man in demand. It also becomes beneficial in your business and with friends. When others realize you are paying attention to what they are saying, and not what you are going to say next, they start to open up and confide in you. Practice a little at a time, treat it as a hobby or a new game because that is probably what relations between men and women are.
To sum up what we have said so far; you will have come to terms with the fact that past mistakes with women carry no blame, you will have an insight into the reasons a woman's mind works differently, you recognize women have constant attention given to them by other men and realize the importance of captivating a woman by the simple act of listening; but will any woman like you if you look like a frog............
In our fantasies, we all look like rugged film stars that women find irresistible, throwing themselves at us with playful abandon, desperate to feel our manhood between their legs. In reality, some of us sadly look closer to Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notredam, than to Errol Flynn from The Adventures of Robin Hood.
The square jaw, the flashing teeth, the wide shoulders, the perfect abdominal muscles, snake hips, long strong legs, tall, dark and handsome. Is that a description of you? It is not of me. I was born in Scotland and like many of my countrymen have red hair, freckles and when the sun comes out I have to shut one eye because of the brightness. I look like a child's drawing of 'Red Cyclops Man'. In fact my skin is so fair that when I go on holiday people stand beside me to have their photographs taken. It makes them look more suntanned when standing beside one so pale.
"Modest woman chooses a man by the mind, not the eye" Syrus.
Men judge women on their physical attractiveness but luckily, (and thank you so very much, God), women tend not to judge a man by what he looks like, but by what he is. This is not to say that women do not get turned on by handsome men, they most certainly do, particularly in their adolescence, but as a female matures it is only one of very many criteria that they look for. An adult woman is more inclined to look for that elusive mentally and emotionally strong and stable man of substance, rather than a good looking lightweight. In comparison men have a constant pull towards physical attraction throughout their lives and are prepared to overlook many character defects. This is how nature works and there is no point in pretending otherwise.
If you don't believe me, ask yourself these questions: What do you think is the reason, that more men buy magazines with pictures of naked women in them, than women buy magazines with pictures of naked men in them? Why do you often see old men with beautiful young models of limited intelligence, but seldom see old women with handsome young men of limited intelligence? Why is it women wear make-up and not men?
There is only one answer to these questions. Men are turned on by the young and beautiful, whereas women need something more in the way of solidity and steadiness. Women themselves secretly know this to be true, that is why they are always trying to look younger. Breast implants, facelifts, moisturizers and slimming campaigns are all to keep her looking more youthful to a man. A Private Eye based in Hollywood makes a living from following men whose wives are suspicious of them having extramarital affairs. Over the years of doing this work, he found out something very interesting. His bizarre discovery was that men were inevitably unfaithful with women who had longer hair than their wives. Strange but true. After reaching 30 years old, women in the USA start cutting their hair to shorter styles. Men found the longer more youthful style more desirable and strayed in that direction. A fascinating little bit of information on everyday life, which emphasizes the point or perhaps it merely emphasizes that everyone in Hollywood is 'nutty'. Luckily for a man it is no handicap to be average or plain looking, old or young, in fact what you consider to be a disadvantage may prove to be your major asset, if you let it.
The handsome man, though born physically very attractive, can develop two major flaws which count against him in the long run.
As adolescent girls are also attracted by physical beauty, the handsome young man has an early in-built advantage in the competition for their attentions. I am sure we all knew someone like that in our youth (Bastards!). Meeting girls is relatively easy for him, so he need not bother building up strength of character. Purely by looks alone he succeeds, which over the years can lead to good looking boys growing into vain and arrogant men with doubtful personalities.
The more mature a woman becomes, the more she requires and the more easily she gets bored with a man who wants to be the center of attraction, when she sees that as her role. In the true spirit of classic Greek tragedy, the "pretty boys" greatest strength becomes his biggest weakness. You can see these men as 40 year-olds looking ludicrous at nightclubs around the world trying to recapture their brief period in the sun. Chasing women who find them figures of fun, they become Medallion Man (Oh please no! anything but Medallion Man). All they ever had to offer was their looks, underneath they were never men of substance and so never find lasting happiness.
This is great news for 'Frog People' like myself who have spent time building up their character. We inevitably fare better in the long run, because we have had to develop the abilities of romance, listening, stability and laughter, through necessity of finding someone to love us. We know the secret of keeping a woman happy is by making her the center of attention. If you are a plain man who, as yet, has not developed any attractive qualities, then get cracking because love does not come knocking on your door. You have to go out and find it. If you want to attract hot women you have to become a cool dude.
Every single man alive can improve how attractive he is to women, all you have to know is what they want.
In terms of a mans appearance, do you know what the three biggest physical turnoffs for a woman are? Number one, is a man who smells. You have absolutely no chance with a woman if you smell, unless you have a fetish for women without noses! The first three rules in winning the love of a lady are WASH, WASH and WASH again. Have you ever watched a woman with a baby? She will smell it. Check if clothes are dry? She will smell them. Why do you think perfume and fragrance is so vital to a woman? Because to their sensitive noses how things smell is a refined sense, on par with how things look to their eyes and sound to their ears. For you and I, how things smell is not as important as how they look, but to turn yourself into a great lover and attractive man, you have to know that smelling clean, fresh and enticing is your starting point.
To help you pass the female cleanliness test, here are a list of hygienic qualities that appeal to a woman:
Not smelling of body odor,
Wearing clean fresh smelling clothes, especially socks,
Keeping your hair clean and having a stylish cut,
Never having dirt under your fingernails,
Ensuring your breath is fresh,
Wearing a quality aftershave.
Meet these requirements and you're well on the way, fail and you will not pass first base.
"Nobody loves a fat man" E. Day.
At number two in the charts for physical turnoffs is being overweight. Being obese, unfit and flabby is of no attraction. A woman will always look at a mans buttocks as a measure of his physical and sexual prowess. Women are aroused by the sight of a shapely male backside. Even old ladies will have a quick glance at a young mans butt when he walks by. You want to achieve a shape that quietly says "I am fit, powerful and sexy, wouldn't you like to grab my rear?" and not one that shouts "Hey look at me I am a slob do you want to park your car in my shadow?"
Therefore to make yourself more attractive, follow a simple fitness and exercise routine. Do not go crazy and end up trying to look like Mr. Muscle Man. Very few women find big muscle development on a man sexually exciting. Go more for the aerobic type of fitness by cycling, walking, running and swimming, to make yourself as slender, lithe and fit as your shape allows. Eat good wholesome nutritious foods for energy. There's hundreds of books on exercise and diet, go buy one and use it. Not only will you be more attractive to the opposite sex, you will be a better more energetic lover, your lungs will operate more efficiently, your heart will be stronger, you will sleep deeper and you'll feel better emotionally and mentally. What more motivation does a man need (apart from saying it will make you rich of course, or give you a whopping big penis!).
Finally at number three as a turnoff, is having poor dress sense. As you may have noticed, the female of the species likes to dress up at the drop of a feather. Clothes and fashion play an integral part in a woman's life, as is natural when you tend to be judged on how you look. Consequently, it comes as a bit of a disappointment, when the male of the species cannot even coordinate his colors.
Always wear simple classic styles with colors that blend or keep to fashions for your age range. Few things look as sad as a middle-aged man dressing like a teenager. Get advice on what colors and clothes look good on you from your sister, girlfriend or wife (but never your mother). If in doubt ask them to go shopping with you, painful though this can be. If you are still speaking by the time you get to the shops, it does pay dividends as their advice is invaluable. Anyone who has experience of this knows that the clothes you had considered smooth and classy, turn out to have the same sex appeal as a pair of ill-fitting flared trousers; and women are always right on what suits you. You may always be, like me, 'Red Cyclops Man' or his frog-like equivalent, but at least you can give yourself added attraction.
Everybody can improve their physical attractiveness to some extent. (Do you know 90% of people are unhappy about the way they look?). Display your best assets and even if you do look like a frog, be a clean frog, be a fit frog and be a stylish frog with a well developed character.
Cultivating your character really does change your life. To become a warm honest personality that projects openness and sincerity is very appealing to a woman.
When I asked women what were the aspects of a mans character they found attractive, there were five notable qualities they sought. Honesty, Kindness, Unselfishness and Decency are four of them, which should come as no surprise as these are traits that women regard as making up the authentic man. The fifth one, and one that is surprisingly more important and sexier than the others, is Humor.
"A maid that laughs is half taken" English Proverb.
Making a woman laugh is the single biggest factor in deciding how well you do in courtship and seduction. When I was writing this book I was driving along in my car listening to the radio when I heard about a survey in the United States. In this survey 93% of women said they are easily seduced by a man who made them laugh. isn't that stimulus enough?
What's the reason for this? Well, contrary to popular belief, women are not desperately trying to capture the first man who comes along and rush them down the aisle. In fact the opposite is usually true. They take a long time to decide if you are what they are looking for (even the ugly ones) and once decided they stick with their choice. After all they do have more to lose. Men on the other hand are impulsive; we make up our minds swiftly about a woman, we can become too intense too soon and then quickly change our minds.
This intensity can be frightening and claustrophobic not to say embarrassing, especially when you have reached the undying love phase and she is only looking for a good time. Therefore the humorous man has a distinct advantage on two fronts. Firstly he supplies a demand, he offers a good time, a good laugh, no pressure and relaxation. When laughing, a woman switches off her self-defense mechanism and she can simply enjoy herself, it makes her feel sexy, she is easily charmed and it makes her feel good about herself (necessary for her to love you). Secondly, if you are hoping to marry or live with this woman, do you think anyone wants to live with a man who does not appreciate the value of enjoying himself?
"Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh everyday, ah, now that's a treat" Joanne Woodward (attr).
The first thing to establish is what humor is not. It is not walking into a room filled with women, pretending to slip on a banana skin and placing a custard-pie in the hostesses face. This is technically called being an asshole; not funny. Nor, is it anything you may find amusing but puts a woman on the defensive. Telling dirty jokes and swearing for instance, or being sarcastic, hurtful, cruel and laughing at others. These are out. This type of 'bar talk' humor is for men only; it merely serves to put women off you.
The type of humor that women love is;
Making light of an incident, particularly if it happened to her,
Bringing joy and lightness through anecdotes,
Originality, not telling jokes but making it up as you go along.
Humor can either be about others, a situation, her or yourself. The most seductive type of humor is about her in a situation followed closely by yourself in a situation. Letting her see the funny side of her in a situation, is an absolute surefire winner. Developing the ability to laugh at yourself is something to practice (but do not start putting yourself down). It testifies to your lack of vanity and arrogance, so be prepared to tell anecdotes and stories against yourself and how the events amuse you. When you've made a woman laugh you are etched on a tablet of stone in her mind under the heading 'Good Guy and Attractive Man'.
Naturally, this takes practice and you cannot make every women laugh every time, however the one's you amuse are without doubt the one's with whom you stand the best chance of seducing or dating. In company be aware of who finds you amusing and who doesn't. Those who find you amusing, most probably find you attractive.
"But I've never been very funny" I hear some of you say. You don't need to become Coco the Clown, just develop a bit of wit. Too many men are hanging on to the belief that if a woman sees how intense and serious they are then she will fall for them. Meanwhile, the man with the passion for life, sparkle in his eye and wit on his tongue steals her away. Mr.. Serious can rehearse his "I Really Understand You" routine until the cows come home. It is a certain loser. So skip being too serious and try to be amusing and like all things, the more you try the easier it becomes.
Practice, practice and more practice. There is nothing to stop you from changing your character. Believe you are funny and witty and your personality will change to match. Act as if you are jovial and humorous then you will become jovial and humorous. The subconscious mind works like that. It cannot tell if you are acting or if it is real. Eventually it believes you are it anyway, and therefore you become how you act. It really is that easy.
To create a witty act, all you need to do in any given set of circumstances is ask yourself the "What if..." question. "What if I were funny, how would I act going into this room?", "What if I were humorous how could I make light of the situation?", "What if I were amusing how would I feel right now?", "What if I could make her laugh, what sort of thing would I say?". Ask your brain the right question and you will always be given the right answer and then pretend. How simple can it get?
"Our automatic creative mechanism always acts and reacts to the environment, circumstance and situation. The only information concerning the environment, circumstance or situation available to it is what you believe to be true concerning them." Dr. Maxwell Maltz
By consciously acting the part you subconsciously become the character. Fantastic isn't it. Rehearse at what you want to become at different times during the day and ask yourself a few "what if" questions. Star in your own soap opera or love story, practice at being the funniest man alive. One of the secrets to a happy life is knowing what questions to ask yourself, visualizing the answer then playing out the role.
Our present beliefs which shape our current personality and all too often hold us back, are nothing more than ideas we've adopted in the past, based on comments from friends, parents and teachers. We then act out this role as if it were us. These beliefs are not things, they're not made of anything and they're not you. They are only feelings that have a neural pathway in the brain, which can be erased and replaced by other feelings, with a different neural pathway in the brain. So clear life's stage, practice, rehearse, watch witty films and read suitable books and articles. If you want to be Mr. Humor, no point in reading the wit and wisdom of Josef Stalin, better off going to a Marx Brothers film and feeling what it's like to be lighthearted. The more you associate with fun, the more fun will be associated with you.
"The bashful always lose" French Proverb.
Being witty is easy compared to overcoming shyness. Behind our manly bluster there is frequently some pretty frightened boys. The "what if" questions and the acting work just as well for shyness, though it does take more effort, because there is a little voice inside which constantly says "I am not good enough, I am not good enough". There is a bit of good news though; a lot of women view male shyness as an attractive quality because it reveals that we do have a sensitive side, but I suggest it is a handicap and you want rid of it.
I was very shy when younger and have had to develop a way to overcome it which I will share. Four things happen to you physically when you are shy and are faced with a woman you secretly dream over. Your body feels heavy and awkward, you speak too fast, you panic and you look down. To counteract these afflictions you must consciously decide to take control of yourself ("Get a grip of yourself, Man" as they say in B-movies) and carry out these actions;
1. Imagine your body to be as light as a feather.
2. Speak slowly and deeply. When panicking we speak fast and high.
3. Breathe deeply into your abdomen to calm yourself down. The easiest way is to slightly flare your nostrils on an in-breath.
4. Keep looking ahead. Do NOT let your head drop.
When you have changed your physiology and brought yourself under control then start asking yourself the "What if..." questions to alter your mental pattern. With shyness you cannot change your mental patterns until you have changed yourself physically. Rehearse the four steps over and over throughout the day until they are your new behavioral habit. When the little voice inside your head goes on saying "I am not good enough, I am not good enough, what will I do? I'm in a panic, there she is", simply say this command to it, "Just shut the fuck up" and prepare for action. The little voice always obeys this.
To act as natural as you can in front of her - "What if I were relaxed how would I look?"; to let her speak and use your listening skills - "What if I were a Great Listener how would I behave right now?"; to wait for a chance to say something amusing if appropriate - "What if I were humorous, what could I say to make her smile?". Sounds a lot to remember when your spilling coffee over yourself I know, but it is amazing the speed at which you can change when you pinpoint what to do.
Now of course my shyness has gone because I took physical control, acted cool, listened, silenced the inner voice and said funny things, even when I was a nervous wreck. Your shyness will go too. It has taken you years to be what you are now, but it won't take so long to alter. To help you change there is one more "What if" question to ask yourself. "What if I don't change, how miserable will my life get?"
By taking yourself in hand and deciding to improve, brings countless unforeseen benefits into your life. You grow as a man, obtaining the inner strength so valued by women, you gain confidence and your assertiveness improves. Could you have developed this if born a vain handsome prince? No. You would have been too arrogant and ceased to develop. By and large, you do what you can with your physical appearance to make yourself as appealing as possible, but to succeed with women you have to become an attractive personality. Your powerful personality can transcend physical weakness and absolutely any man can make himself desirable to any woman if he is clean and makes her laugh.
It all takes time and work but when you go out smelling superb, in great shape, dressed to kill and able to laugh a woman into bed, you've got to be prepared to take action. you've got to be able to walk up to a lady and say.......
"Loving comes from looking" John Clark.
Possessing all the brilliance in the world is useless if you do not put it into action. You may be the most incredible basketball player the world has yet to see, but if you do not step onto the court then who cares? You may be the funniest, greatest person alive, able to make any woman ecstatic, but if you do not put yourself in a position to meet one, then she will laugh her way into the sunset with someone else, without ever knowing of your existence.
Due to my shyness there was many a night I left a party or a club alone and miserable. If you had asked me "How many women did you dance with?" I would have replied "None". If you had then said "How many did you ask?" the same answer would have applied. "None".
Female partners do not materialize out of thin air. You must take action to achieve your desires and meet the woman of your dreams. In fact the woman of your dreams probably exists only in your dreams. Each of us carries in our mind the idea of the perfect woman, but the perfect woman is only alive in our imaginations. Therefore instead of waiting for divine providence to intervene and send that beautiful model you fantasize over, around to knock on your door (and don't you know she will just love you given a chance to know you), get out there and start meeting the numerous beautiful and talented women from everyday life. Happiness comes from what you do in reality not from what you imagine in fantasy.
"Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. it's part of the sizzle" Camille Paglia.
Another Law of the Universe - It is a mans task to pursue and woo a woman.
There is a quirky little sexual law which states; the more attractive the woman, the more successful you are likely to be in asking for a date. Paradoxically, the more beautiful the lady, the more lonely she will feel. Generally, women tend to feel lonelier than men, so if you are ever home alone feeling miserable, the probability is that there are women nearby feeling even worse. To stop this ludicrous state of affairs you must seize your opportunities when you have a chance.
From their teenage years young women are unfairly put under pressure from many sources to find a man, have a boyfriend etc., etc. Often they are judged solely on whom, and how often, they date. When they have times of being alone, those years of brainwashing come back as torment and makes them feel uncomfortable with their loneliness. In their pressurized days of 'must having' a boyfriend, they would have dated some pretty wretched sexual psychos (like the youthful Ben Stirling for instance). The prospect of dating Mr. Amusing with a romantic sparkle in his eye, is understandably very enticing after years of going out with all the Mr.. MacBeasts with a swelling in their trousers. So prepare yourself to display strength of character and set your sights high, get ready to approach the previously unapproachable and ask the most beautiful because there is a good chance you will succeed. The more women you ask to go out with you, the more women will go out with you. Strange that.
Most women are flattered to be asked for a date and no matter how great you think you are and no matter how liberated they think they are, they will very rarely ask you. Women do give you signals if they find you attractive, but all too frequently they are much to subtle, i.e. many men cannot tell the difference in signal between "I want to be your friend" and "For God's sake just give me a good fucking", and boy, when you get it wrong......... It is the mans role to chase and merit the woman, because in the crudest form, they are the ones holding the sexual power and we are the ones lusting after it. Welcome to nature. Dismiss thoughts about being asked and besides, it demonstrates great mental weakness to imagine they will be coming for you.
If you are one of these gents who ponder, dither and wonder "..what can I say to her, does she likes me, am I her type or what if she says 'no'", then you're going to lose out again. One of your more courageous fellow men, will ask whilst you procrastinate. Like they say in the Nike advert "Just Do It". Haven't you ever heard of the phrase "Faint heart never won fair lady"? Well if you haven't, you have now. In the race for a woman's attentions, weak men finish last. In the battlefield of the sexes, fortune always favors the bold.
The easiest way to show a woman your most desirable masculine quality is to approach her if you are attracted to her, because there is one specific aspect of manhood that has stood the test of time as a certain winner of women. It is bravery. Bravery is much admired by women. In all societies why do you think women are attracted to men in uniforms? How to you think men in uniforms with medals on their chest succeed with women? What is the reason that many women fantasize about being rescued by a hunky fireman? How many of the heroes in women's fiction are brave men? Every time you take it upon yourself to ask a woman for a date or go up and speak to her you, are displaying this selfsame attribute of bravery.
Courage is the male heritage. Women like it, even if you're not classically handsome you can make a good start and a strong first impression by acting like a heroic man and simply making the first bold move. This is why it is vital to realize that it is up to you to take action. For instance at a party who has the best chances of finding a date, the man who instigates conversation or the man who stands around hoping to be noticed? Bloody obvious.
What you do in the first FOUR minutes on meeting a woman will be the first and lasting impression. That is how long you have and there is no second chance to make a first impression. A lawyer told me that when he addresses a jury, what he says in the first four minutes has a direct influence on the outcome of a trial. These same four minutes are the time it takes for someone of the opposite sex to decide whether they like you or not.
Do not ever come out with old clichés, be corny or go over the top. You know the sort of lines "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?", "Hello! I live next door to Prince Charles?" and "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. I love you", all guaranteed to make a woman cringe. They won't believe you and you have lost credibility. you're off to a bad start and it is going to be uphill all the way.
There are only three ways of conversing.
1. You either talk about the situation you are both in,
2. You talk about the other person, or
3 .You talk about yourself.
As there are three ways to converse, there are also only three ways to open.
1. You either ask a question,
2. You give an opinion, or
3. You state a fact.
You do not need to be Mastermind to realize that a question about the other person is light years better than giving your opinion or talking about yourself. Surprisingly, as long as you do not say something corny as an opener, what you say is not that important, it will not be remembered. Your act of bravery, the way you hold yourself, how friendly you appear and how humorous you are, will be remembered. Far too much emphasis is placed on 'What do I say...'.
Initially, when you see someone you would like to get to know better, make sure they see you approach. Do not leap out of the darkness or creep up from behind, as the poor woman will be on the defensive immediately. Walk up slowly without swaggering, look her in the eye and ask your friendly question. Do not shake her hand as this is the action of two males meeting and a woman can find it a bit intrusive.
Instead of getting anxious about a big opening speech and buying books with chat-up lines, just have a few innocuous well-rehearsed friendly queries up your sleeve for openers. Do you know what that lawyer does to make an impact on the jury? He rehearses over and over in his mind what he will say and how it will be. What appears ad-hoc is well practiced. Few of us are naturally gifted with scintillating conversation and mental rehearsal can take you a long way. Spontaneity is built on preparation. Stop thinking about making a huge impact, think more of engaging in friendly conversation. It is like playing tennis or golf, the harder you try the worse your shot, but when you don't give a damn you hit the ball like a rocket. Same law applies when trying to impress a woman, the harder you try the worse you appear, even when you are trying like 'stink' you must come over cool and relaxed.
"Are you local?", "That's a nice suntan. Have you been on holiday recently?", "These are interesting earrings. Where did you get them?", "Where did you learn to play tennis like that?" Anything friendly to get a conversation going is good. It is just chat. She, without realizing it, always offers you extra information to continue the conversation. Examples.
"Yes, I've just been on holiday to Brazil"( her extra info).
"Really!, I've heard it is pretty exciting there, how did you enjoy it?".
"I learnt to play tennis in Florida" (her extra info).
"Oh!, when did you live in Florida?".
You ask another open question based on the extra information and you are off and running. Conversing with others is easy and women are brilliant at it. Ask open questions about them, and listen for the free information they will keep giving you. Women are forever giving you subconscious information, merely open your ears.
Recollect, you will be remembered only for the overall impression you make and not for your first line (unless it was totally crap) so rehearse a few innocuous conversation starters. Talking is the beginning of all relationships, romantic or friendly. Always think you are having a chat with a friend rather than attempting to 'chat her up'. At all times throughout any conversation both parties are looking for common ground, for snippets of information to keep the conversation going. They are looking for someone like themselves.
This is the big opportunity to flourish your listening skills when she speaks, as you want her to talk more than you. Admit your ignorance if you do not know what the hell she is talking about, it is a sign of intelligence. People just love explaining things that interest them to others. Pretending you know when you don't is the actions of an idiot. Comments should be warm, questions - How, When, Where What - and contribute to the conversation. Add something particularly if you can add HUMOR.
You cannot bring enough humor into the conversation, nor can you use her name often enough. A woman loves to hear her name mentioned, it has a tremendous effect on her psychologically. The name of the game is making an impact and you can help yourself even further by using some other powerful psychological techniques. .......
All our decisions and actions have their foundations laid in the subconscious. Being able to touch the subconscious of others is the way to make a big impression. Whenever you meet someone, the impression you left on their 'other than conscious mind' is the image they take away with them and it is that which makes them decide if they like you or not.
In business highly trained and highly skilled salespeople use psychological techniques to influence our purchasing decisions and win our trust - getting us to buy everything form cars to insurance. What they use is called NLP (Nuero Linguistic Programming). When you or I approach a particularly attractive woman, we too are salesmen, this time the commodity we are trying to sell is ourselves. What underlies our motives is our desire to be chosen ahead of the other male models on offer. The NLP techniques used on us by a salesman can work just as well for us in a social situation.
To make yourself a salable commodity, the first thing you must learn to do is get rapport with the other sex, in order that she unconsciously starts to appreciate your benefits.
"You have to penetrate a woman's defenses. Getting into her head is a prerequisite to getting into her body" Bob Guccione.
Rapport is what you must establish with your prospective partner because rapport is a method of gaining instant trust. With rapport you can wholly bypass her conscious logical mind and deal directly with the decision making part. When you have her subconscious on your side, it starts giving her messages saying "Hey, he is just like me, I like him, I can trust him". This is our objective and there are two ways to do this.
Firstly, and the easiest, is mirroring. Mirroring involves subtly following her habits. If she blinks, you blink. If she touches her hair, a little later you touch your hair. If she holds her glass a certain way, then you hold yours a similar way, if she adopts a particular posture, then you adopt a comparable posture. Her subconscious sees a mirror image of itself and of course likes what it sees, but this has to be done subtly. If she consciously detects what you are doing, her highly evolved defense mechanisms will protect her from you, as you are now a potential threat. You can practice mirroring at any time. Copy people on the bus, at work, college or at a bar. It is a mighty tool in making a connection, but it is not enough by itself because as soon as you speak for any length of time you can lose the rapport.
This brings us to the second method of finding subconscious harmony and that is adopting the same speech patterns. In gaining rapport through speech patterns, you take on the tone, tempo and sentence structure of the other person. Sounds difficult but it is quite easy once you get used to it.
Tone and tempo simply means that if she speaks in a very correct manner, then you too speak in a correct manner; if she talks fast, then you talk fast, if her voice goes up and down, then yours goes up and down. It is mirroring using the voice. Subtly remember, you do not wish to end up shrieking like a schoolgirl when she laughs. That is the easier part. It is slightly more difficult to follow the sentence structure as it needs good ears and more practice.
For our purposes, all people can be divided into three major types.
1. Those who process information by visualization - forming pictorial images or seeing with their minds eye;
2. Those who process by hearing - talking things through to themselves.
3 Those who process by feeling - waiting to see if events feel right.
In NLPspeak these three categories are known as visual (seeing), auditory (hearing) and kinesthetic (feeling). As people speak they give away the type they are. Visual people will use words like see, look, show, clear, imagine and appear in their speech. Auditory people will use words like hear, listen, sounds and "rings a bell" in theirs. Kinesthetic people will use words like feel, touch, grasp, "get hold of" and "get a handle on", when they speak.
When gaining rapport you must try to talk using the same processing system. If she says "I'm going to make a scene and tell them eye to eye" (visual) and you reply "Sounds like your going to tell them loud and clear" (auditory), then there is a very refined but important difference between you. Two different systems are in play making communication difficult. No matter how good the mirroring is, if you process information using a different method, her subconscious starts to say "Mm, there's something not quite right about him".
You can mask any initial differences with humor, but during times when there is no humor, or a relationship develops, or you chat for a lengthy period, the discrepancies will become increasingly marked. A very successful family therapist called Virginia Satir helped prevent scores of couples from divorcing by getting them to notice and talk to their partners in the relevant processing system. This makes the other partner feel really understood and solves their problems. When a couple speak in two different processing systems it gives rise to the "He doesn't understand me", "She doesn't understand me" whinging you so often hear.
There are numerous books on gaining rapport with absolutely anybody you meet. If you are a keen student of influencing others subconscious then read " Unlimited Power" and " Awaken the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins. Robbins used NLP to turn himself from a fat overweight janitor, living in a horrible little flat and having no love interest, into a slim multimillionaire living in a castle overlooking the ocean and married to a beautiful woman he loves very much. Proof indeed that impressing anothers subconscious is a very powerful tool.
Here is a sample list of phrases from Robbins' "Awaken the Giant Within" which give away the type of processing people are using. Simply by listening to others when they talk, you will gain an insight into how their minds work and once you know that, then speaking to and dating the opposite sex, becomes much easier. You do not need to learn these off by heart, simply be aware.
VISUAL
An eyeful, Appears to me, Beyond a shadow of doubt, Bird's-eye view, Catch a glimpse of, Clear cut, Dim view, In light of, Looks like, Make a scene, Mind's eye, See to it
AUDITORY
Afterthought, Clear as a bell, Call on, Express yourself, Give an account of, Heard voices, Hold your tongue, Loud and clear, Manner of speaking, Pay attention to, Outspoken, To tell the truth, Tongue tied, Word for word.
KINESTHETIC
All washed up, Boils down to, Come to grips with, Control yourself, Cool/calm/collected, Get a load of this, Hand in hand, Hold on, Keep your shirt on, Pain in the neck, Slipped my mind, Smooth operator.
Though everybody uses all three systems when talking, within each of us one system predominates. Once you become proficient you can mirror the system that has just been used by the speaker in their previous statement.
Her: "He gives me a pain in the neck"
You: "Keep cool, there's no pressure".
(Adopting the Kinesthetic).
Her "I see Jenny is having a party"
You "I look forward to that".
(Adopting the Visual).
Her "Did you hear I am single again?"
You "Sounds like a new beginning".
(Adopting the Auditory).
I am sure you have the idea. Listen to others regularly and in no time you can master this useful skill.
To recap on gaining rapport a) Mirror body movements b) Mirror tone and tempo of the voice c) Reply using the same processing system. The dynamic impression
The impression you will make and the trust you generate using these three techniques will be enormous.
MIRROR! Your Way To Success
Once you have mastered conversation and rapport, had her laugh at your dazzling dry humor, how can you tell if a woman is interested in you? Women have told me that men seldom notice when a woman is stimulated by them and wish to pursue things further. It is hardly surprising though. What woman think is an obvious sign all to frequently goes completely over a mans head. You would need the eyes of an owl and the ears of a bat to notice what had happened with some of their signals. it's so quick and civilized. Men either need to be hit over the head with a hammer and given a note which says "I want you desperately" before they would make a move on a woman, or alternatively they just crash on in there without waiting for a cue and get rejected. A woman unconsciously gives us enormous clues through her body language about what she thinks of us and these are what we must look out for before doing anything.
Our body language says things to others we are not even aware off. Imagine meeting an old friend in the street and he's looking down at the ground, shoulders hunched, hands in pockets - "How are you?" you inquire, "Oh, great" he says. Do you believe that? Of course not. His entire physiology is telling you something opposite. How did your Mum know when you were lying to her as a child? Because your body language gave you away every time. Body language can't tell lies.
When it comes to the opposite sex, body language plays a huge role and broadcasts more news than the BBC. To tell if you're making an impact on a woman look for these important signals from her body. Now these are worth knowing off by heart:
The pupils of her eyes will dilate. The black bit will increase dramatically in size no matter what the light conditions. We have all heard of the phrases "She's giving him the glad eye", "She's got eyes for him".
The Pupil Of a Woman's Eyes Are The Clearest Indicators Of Her Feelings
All worth memorizing:
She will start to touch her hair quite often. Stroking or playing with it and if it's long tossing it over her shoulder.
She will adjust her clothing, preening it by removing imaginary bits of fluff.
She will expose her wrists to you and may move closer.
She may look over her shoulder towards you.
She may cross her legs, or point her foot, in your direction.
If at any time she touches you then that is to be taken as a very positive signal.
If she likes the look of you from afar, or across a room, then she will let you see her looking at you and hold your eye for a split second. This is your cue to smile, make eye contact, walk over, ask an open question to get the ball rolling and start mirroring.
"I wonder if she likes me" thinks Mr.. Frog to himself
"Many things are lost for want of asking" George Herbert.
There is only one thing left to do and that is to ask for a date. This does take some courage because the fear of rejection is incredibly strong in all men. You are not alone in this, some men just hide it better than others then move on. In my pre-student days I worked in a shop and the manager told me about his time in the army. He told me about a soldier in his regiment who would go up to girls at a dance and say "Do you want a fuck?" The shop manager had said to him "I bet you get a lot of slaps in the face". The soldier replied, "Yes but I get a lot of fucks as well". Even though the shop manager swore it to be true, I never really believed that story, because the idea of screwing an obnoxious little Scottish soldier who is a complete stranger has little or no appeal to most women, but it does have a message on the value of bravery as he seemingly met his wife that way. (I am not sure that would be my way of meeting the woman I would want to marry).
There is only one piece of advice for dating - be courageous and ask. The chances are that if you have listened gained rapport and have noticed one of the body language signals you will succeed. Just do it, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway", as the title of the book proclaims. Feelings mean nothing, taking action is what counts.
To help you achieve an outcome in your favor, ask what are known as 'yes' set questions. 'Yes' set questions are yet another psychological trick used by salespeople which you can adopt to help you. All it basically means is that you get the other party saying 'yes' two or three times before asking them the real question for which you want a 'yes' answer. The more anybody agrees with you the more likely they will continue to agree with you. It is a rule of how the mind works. This is the sort of thing you may say to get a 'yes' momentum going:
You: "It would be great to live in a house like this with a pool, wouldn't it?"
Her: "Yes. Blah blah blah........."
You: "This has been a great party hasn't it?"
Her: "Yes. Blah blah blah.........."
You: "It's nice talking together outdoors, isn't it?"
Her: "Yes".
You: "It would be nice to meet again, wouldn't it?"
Her: "Yes".
You: "Let's have lunch together..............."
To turn any statement into a 'yes-set' question add a tag to the end of your sentence. Tags are didn't, don't, wouldn't, couldn't, won't, isn't, aren't, hasn't, haven't, or doesn't, used in conjunction with either he, she, they, we, it, or you. It encourages the other person to say "Yes". Listen to politicians and salesman, they use it all the time "Nice car to drive, isn't it?", "You know it makes sense to vote for us, don't you?". Once you have someone saying "Yes" then they are open to your suggestions. Sounds like a fun thing to try, doesn't it? A man like you could go far with this knowledge, couldn't you?
Do not consciously try to remember all of this as it will only make you unnatural when you come to use these mental influencing techniques. (Sorry about that last clumsy sentence, but I am trying to avoid using the word manipulative, which is probably a truer description). Keep rehearsing in your mind fictitious situations where you use this power psychology, so there comes a point when it has become such a part of your character that you are doing it without thinking. Remember your subconscious cannot tell what is real and what you've imagined.
"The traditional male-female dynamic is enjoyable. We like doors opened for us and meals paid for on the first date. Otherwise we think he's cheap" Christina Hoff Summers .
The first date is always an anxious nervous affair for both parties, but again the man should display his strength and bravery by making matters easier. When making a date state where you are going and whether it's formal or informal. The very good reason for this is that the lady will normally spend a considerable amount of time choosing the right clothes to wear and getting ready. Knowing she is dressed correctly for the occasion will make her feel relaxed and is a valuable courtesy. Haven't you ever had a woman ask you "Do you think I am overdressed, do I look OK?". Wearing the right clothes for the right occasion is important to a woman.
The second positive effect of this, is it shows another quality that women find attractive in men and that is decisiveness. The worst thing you can ever say on early dates is "What would you like to do?" or "You choose". Forget that, you plan, you choose and you pay, unless she insists she pay for herself. To some women paying for themselves is an act of great significance. So let her, who cares?
Never arrange to meet her in a public place, always but always, pick her up and take her home. It is humiliating for a woman to stand in public waiting to meet her date. Be on time. If you are going to be delayed or are held up for God's sake phone and say so. By doing the simple things well you will make a big impression.
These initial courtesies add dramatically to your impact. All a date really is, is another chance for both of you to give each other the soft sell. Dates should be fun and natural. Too many people think others will like them if they hear what a sad life they've had and resultantly few people show their best side when dating.
Just appreciate her company, listen to her, be honest and do not spend the entire date talking about yourself and telling too many anecdotes. Try and give her room to talk by keeping it informal, lighthearted and humorous. You are there to give her a good time.
At the end of the first date do not try and have sex and decline any offer of coffee. This increases your attraction and chances of another date.
If the date has been a success it is up to the man to ask for another one. So do it. If you say you will call then ensure you do. If you feel really romantic then follow up the date with a little card saying how much you enjoyed the evening/lunch/dinner or whatever. This is a nice touch and will be gratefully received.
"Refuse or not, they'll love you more for asking" Ovid.
What happens if you think you have rapport, seen a signal, used your 'Yes-set' questions, asked for a date and are turned down? It happens and will happen until such time you settle down and stop asking. The main reason for being turned down is because at that time, the woman was unavailable. Generally, it is not a reflection on yourself, but due to her being currently attached to another man e.g. boyfriend, husband, lover.
I know of scores of incidents whereby a friend has met somebody, but because she was unavailable at that time, nothing came of it. Months and even years later they have started seeing that same woman due to her changed circumstances and she had REMEMBERED. It has happened to me and can happen to you, so do not be discouraged. The best things are worth waiting for.
The other reason that you may be turned down on asking for a date, or even after the first one, is a hard brutal fact - she does not fancy you. Every woman has a picture of the type of man she would like to meet and maybe that's not you. "He's not my type" we have all heard women say this. Not many have ever dreamt about meeting 'Red Cyclops Man' with his red hair, freckles and Scottish accent and so not every woman fancies me. However there are some, because I have become a strong character, know how to make an impression and can offer attributes that are seen as attractive. I am successful with women in spite of my physical appearance. It is totally unreasonable to expect every woman to find you attractive, just as you do not find every woman attractive. it's life. You may remind her of the man who killed her kitten. it's out of your control. Shrug your shoulders and get on with it, work on developing your strength of character and humor and you will find there are plenty others who do like you.
I am a qualified Shiatsu practitioner and one day this man came into my clinic. He was fat, so large he waddled when he walked. His skin was horrendous, covered in warts and spots. To say he smelt would do an injustice to the words 'body odor' and he had most of his breakfast down his tie;
"What can I do for you?" I inquired.
"Well I am worried about my sex drive", he asserted..
"Please, tell me the nature of your difficulty" I encouraged in my most professional manner.
"I make love to my wife twice before going to sleep at night. In the morning I make love to her twice more and after showering often take her on the kitchen table before she leaves for work. After that I go round to see my mistress, spending the afternoon having sex sometimes another three or four times. I get dressed and get home before my wife and if she's in the mood I may have intercourse before dinner."
"You have a problem!?" I asked.
"Yes" he said "It's starting to hurt when I masturbate".
There is someone for everyone it seems. Even for a man such as that particular gentleman because he kept on asking. Never lose heart if things do not always go your way. It is only temporary. All we can ever do as men, is to be as attractive and witty as possible, to increase our chances and our choices. Often we will succeed and sometimes we will fail and a real man learns to roll with the life's blows. Everyone will have opportunities to find a mate during their lifetimes and the stronger we become the more openings come our way. The more attractive you become, the more attractive are those who are attracted to you. Stay as you are and in time you will possibly find someone who will have you, but is that what you really want, or who you really want? The greater your efforts at self improvement, the greater your rewards.
Once you have met that someone you can either turn that person on or you can turn that person off................
There are some male habits that have females pulling their hair out. Avoid them to win friends and hearts, have them to lose credibility and girlfriends. Not all men have all the habits, but most of us have one or two and I am sure you will recognize your own. These habits do not fit closely with the female psyche of looking for the heroic and clean mate. Fortunately for men, women can tolerate much more annoying behavior than we can. However, here are a list of the male mannerisms that would drive a Bhuddist Nun straight to the Whisky bottle. Some of them have been touched on in previous chapters, so by now you will be becoming familiar with what turns a woman off.
Smelling Bad - Wash, wash, wash. Have clean teeth, clean breath and a good aftershave. Preferably an aftershave of some quality and not one that can make everyone's eyes water in a cinema. It is worth the extra expense.
Smoking - If she is a nonsmoker the quickest way to turn her off is to light up a cigarette. Women are usually too polite to say "No" when you ask "Do you mind if I smoke?", but now that the effects of passive smoking are understood, you won't last long blowing smoke over her. Additionally it makes your breath smell bad, breaking one of the cardinal rules.
Swearing - As nearly all swear words were invented by men, they are usually concerned with sex or a woman's genitals. Swearing to your friends adds oomph and humor when telling a story, but when speaking to a lady it is offensive and only makes you out to be a bit of a bore and poorly educated.
Poor listening - There's no need to repeat the importance of this, reread Chapter 2 Ears That Win Hearts if in doubt. Generally those who are poor listeners are guilty of ....
Talking too much - Men who talk too much really get on your nerves. Why? Because all they talk about is themselves. Just as you or I do not wish to sit in the company of another man who goes on and on and on, neither does a woman. Good conversation is sharing, great conversation is letting her have the majority of the discussion. Contribution, not domination, is the name of the game. Those who do not listen and talk too much are usually guilty of another sin....
Exaggeration - When you exaggerate you become insincere and therefore cannot meet one of the females main selection criteria of being trustworthy. Your stories will not impress, so save them for your mates. All you will accomplish is putting her off you.
Procrastination - An indecisive man really gets on a woman's nerves. Women like and respect a masterful man who makes decisions. Decisions by themselves are useless unless you take action. Men must learn to be more decisive, make a decision on anything, from where to go, to which shoes suit her best, check if she is comfortable with your choice and then take appropriate action. The common mistake is to mix up being decisive with being bossy, that is why you offer the courtesy of checking with her after you have made the decision. How easy can it be?
In my research, and in my experience, a woman is much happier if the man has made a decision, organized and carried it out. Obviously, if you have come to the wrong conclusion and your action was based on a false premise, or your choice meets with noticeable resistance, then change your mind, consult and decide to do something else. If relationships were point scoring games you would never lose points for taking decisions, nor for making a wrong decision and changing your mind. You would lose lots of points for being indecisive, saying pathetic things like "You choose, dearest" or sticking to your guns when you have blatantly made a mistake. Sometimes I view men and women's interaction as a type of dance, where men have to take the lead and woman follow. Other times the woman may want to change the dance and the man just needs to go with it, letting his partner lead for a while and that's good. Someone always has to take the lead and it ought to be you, it's the mans task. To prevent yourself coming over as bossy state your decision using one of these three ways, "Let's go..." or "Let's meet..." or "Let's have...". "Let's" is another powerful word to use when steering others choices.
Being Too Fat - Big turn off. You already know about exercising, becoming a slim dynamic lover with a backside like two walnuts. Enough said.
Slouching - Try and maintain a good posture to project vitality. It helps radiate strength, purpose and sexual vigor. Slouching makes you look lazy and depressed. If you have a naturally poor posture have lessons in the Alexander Technique. How you carry yourself is a powerful subconscious signal and says a lot about you.
Spitting - Do you think anybody could get excited watching you spit? Of course not. Simply do not do it. Allied to spitting is another habit women hate.......
Clearing Your Throat - Sitting next to you listening to you clearing your throat and swallowing your mucus is not going to get anybody ripping their knickers off, is it? Yet clearing your throat is nothing compared to....
Picking Your Nose - Yuk! This makes women sick. Just keep to doing it while sitting on the toilet or at the traffic lights.
Belching - Have you noticed how seldom you hear women belch? Surely that must tell you something. It says to me that they find it repulsive and undignified. Not really the behavior of a prospective mate. There is something else you seldom hear a woman do and that is,
Farting - Farting is worse than belching for obvious reasons. Who in their right minds thinks anybody else wishes to smell the contents of their bowels. The only person who thinks the nasty and offensive smell drifting up from your trousers is funny, is yourself and perhaps some preschool children. it's bad enough to fart in the company of a woman but to do so and draw attention to it is criminal. "Smell this one Darling" will be the last words you ever say to her.
Many years ago I worked as a computer programmer in London. In my office was another programmer called Tom. Tom was absolutely besotted by the very attractive Lisa who worked along the corridor. After much urging Tom finally asked Lisa for a date. As she was available she accepted, as a lot of woman will do if you ask courteously. The night before the big date Tom had been out with his friends drinking strong English beer, then later having a curry at an Indian restaurant. When he awoke on the big day, every time he moved a horrible smelling odor kept drifting out of his rectum. The combination of English beer and Indian food can produce a gas so strong, it could be used in chemical warfare. At the office, the others and myself (all men), were threatening him with violence if he did not leave. The smell was overpowering. He did his best to keep it bottled for a couple of hours. On feeling a mighty piece of flatulence build up in his colon, he said he would go outside to release the noxious gas. To get outside he had to use the lift next to our office. Inside the lift he could not contain himself any longer. An almighty fart vibrated his very being and poisonous gas filled the confined space. He said later that he himself could hardly breathe. As the lift touched down and the doors opened to let Tom out and give him much needed oxygen, he saw Lisa walk into the lift and the doors close behind her............ Later that day Lisa phoned to say she could no longer make it that evening 'something' had cropped up. Not so strange really! How can you fall in love with a man whose bum smells like a three month old bag of shit?
Playing With Yourself - Habitually touching your Trouser Snake while with a lady is a no-no. Scratching your crotch or moving the way your penis is lying from down your left leg, to down your right leg, is to be steered well clear off. This also excludes secret little adjustments from within the pocket. It gives the impression that your a bit of a flasher or wanker, rather than a strong gallant gentleman.
Chewing Fingernails - To a woman this makes you look like you are totally insecure or a mass murderer; not prospective mating material and is as bad as....
Dirty Fingernails - Shows lack of hygiene and care and is a signals to her that the rest of you may smell. Particularly disliked.
Being Late - A man must always endeavor to be on time. I am not sure why this is so important but it is one of the habits about men most hated by women. If through some circumstances you have to meet her in a public place and cannot pick her up, then be early. Women are vulnerable waiting for someone in public and they hate it. When you know you are going to be late then call.
So now you know how to turn a woman off , but what about 18 ways to gently stoke the smoldering fires of love and affection......
Just as there are ways to turn someone off you, there are other ways to encourage affection.
For many years I believed that if things were not going well in my relationships, all that was needed was for me to make a grand gesture. Take her on holiday - that'll fix things; or maybe buy an expensive gift - sure to get my points tally back in credit again. Over the difficult times, in her eyes I would be losing my masculine appeal for not listening, being moody, or hiding from making a decision about something. What could be simpler than a weekend in Paris to bring me back into the good books. Sadly not the case.
Large gifts or small gifts, large gestures or small gestures, each scores only one point with a woman. A weekend in Paris scores the same as writing a love note. Hard though this is to believe for a man, it is a quirky but true fact of life. Though need I say that any lady in your life would love a weekend in Paris, by itself it will not bring your points tally back into the black. You will only receive a temporary credit note.
In most male/female partnerships there is a tendency for women to give more than they receive. This is fine until she feels she is not receiving anything and is not valued. At this point her love for you will wane. Therefore the solution is to constantly give small but sincere gifts and compliments. Her appreciation of you grows in direct relation to your appreciation of her. To show you think about her regularly and not just when you want to make up or have other ulterior motives, is the act of the truly romantic man (and we know women love to be romanced). Important law of the universe - Women need and treasure regular small acts of love more than the occasional huge display and the more unpredictable and random they are, the bigger the effect.
Keep in mind that for someone to love you they must feel good within themselves when they are with you. Many men fail as romantics because their belief is that they must get the woman to like them, completely wrong. What you should be trying to do is get the women to feel good about herself when she is around you, that is the secret to successful romance and seduction. Loving you follows on from this feeling
Writing Notes - Writing notes is the oldest form of romantic expression.
" They (lovers) read every word three ways; they read between the lines and in the margins... They even take punctuation into account" M.J. Adler
A gentle loving word, written down is a prized item to be cherished. It appeals to a ladies sense of being wooed and chaste, and is extremely personal. I know of women who keep all the love notes they have ever received in shoe-boxes in the attic. Many hearts, past and present have been won by writing feelings on paper. A word of caution when attempting to arouse fire in a new heart, rather than rekindle the glow in an old, DO NOT GO OVER THE TOP. Keep it simple, warm and humorous.
Flowers - Most women love flowers and cannot get enough of them. It is second only to love notes as a gesture of your love. It is a time-honored act of romance that is much admired, but make sure you have bought them at a florists and not at a garage or supermarket, as that looks cheap.
Give Compliments - Make them sincere and mild. When you think of the amount of time and effort a woman makes in getting ready and making her self look attractive, the odd word of praise is music to her ears. As women are judged on how they look, not just by men but by other women, compliments are important for self-esteem and confidence. Women need constant reinforcement about how beautiful they look.
Notice Changes - A man should train his eyes to be aware of any changes in the way his partner looks e.g. in hairstyle or a recent purchase of clothing. Fashion plays a more important role in a woman's life than in a mans. It is bad enough to be judged on appearance, but women have the added burden of having to look good and fashionable. The female magazines are the guilty party in this case and are always bombarding their readers with new clothes and new hairstyles, modeled by stick insects. Each change in appearance will have taken a woman a great deal of consideration, therefore even if it doesn't look so good you must state you like it. Self-esteem and reassurance are much more important than the truth, especially after the clothes are bought or the hair has disappeared..
Cuddle Without Sex - Let me tell you a statistic. A sample of women were asked "If you could have a lifetime of orgasms or a lifetime of cuddles, which would you choose?" 91% chose a lifetime of cuddles. The value of a cuddle to a woman is greater than we as men can realize. It offers safety, warmth, trust and gives her worth as a human being and not as a sex object. Never be afraid to cuddle her, it is a sign of that male protective strength and support.
Listen - You know the score on this one, a man listening is the foundation stone of inter-sexual communication.
Smell Nice - and this one too. Always try to smell good when you are around her but particularly when going to bed. This is the most intimate time. Sometimes it seems we put our efforts the wrong way round. In the morning we shave, shower and apply aftershave to go to work and then have a quick wash before going to bed. Try instead to shower, shave and apply your finest aftershave before going to bed and have a quick wash before going to work. Who is the most important person in your life? Your colleagues or your lady?
Hold Hands - In public. Yes, I said in public. It is an open show of affection that is well liked, as is....
Kissing - Not a one hour snogging session in the middle of the road, but a soft kiss on the cheek or lips when out, or at a function. A prolonged kiss on the lips in private for no other reason than to give a prolonged kiss on the lips, never seems to go amiss either.
"..there is nothing like a kiss long and hot down to your sole almost paralyses you" James Joyce.
Hugging - A firm hug and a soft word in the ear gives reassurance and a feeling of well-being to the receiver. An insurance company once published figures showing that those who left home after receiving a hug were less likely to have a motor accident. I've even seen books which suggest three hugs a day help prevent illness. Who knows, but it will certainly make your partner feel loved and that is reason enough.
Take Her Side - Take her side in any argument or dispute, to prevent her feeling she is alone against the world. Relationships are about being a team and it is relished when you let her know you are with her.
Offer Help - Even though women are meant to be liberated and we supposedly share equality, in most homes we all know this to be a farce. Women still do the majority of all domestic duties like housework, shopping and caring for children. Men tend to be more casual about their environment they live in - just look in any bachelors bedroom or kitchen sink if you do not believe me. There is no need to ever apologize for this, that is how a lot of men prefer to live. Domestic tidiness is not our priority.
However, women put a greater store on cleanliness and order, so when living together offer some help. Normally, you will have great kudos heaped on you for being such a New Age man, but in reality she will still have done most of the work. There is one golden rule when helping around the house and that is after you have done your duty, shut up about it. Do not even mention it again. This will result in extra bonus points.
Cooking A Meal - Occasionally cook her a meal. It really does impress and a lot of women I have spoken to reckon a man cooking them a meal is the best male seduction technique. A candlelight dinner for two in an atmosphere of intimacy and comfort is an act of indulgence appreciated by the ladies. Give it a go, there are a surprising number of men with hidden talents for producing superb cuisine.
Plan Something - Plan something as a surprise. It shows off your decision making and organizational skills. Have everything arranged, including baby-sitters if need be, but leave her enough time to get ready. It is the latter day equivalent of a bold knight sweeping the damsel of her feet and carrying her into the sunset. It is romantic and savored, especially if you plan something for which you have to ..........
Dress Up - I was at my friend's house the other day and I was watching his 11 year old daughter play with her friends. They spent hours playing dressing up games. This is not uncommon. From an early age girls love dressing up. Have you ever been invited to a wedding? Most of the excitement for my partners has revolved around choosing or buying a dress to wear. All women have clothes they keep in the wardrobe for special occasions. A considerate man gives a woman a chance to look spectacular every now and then. If you dress up wear a dark suit. Nearly all women like men in dark suits.
Buy Presents - These do not have to be expensive presents. They merely convey the feeling that you were thinking about her. Knowing her favorite perfume, or if she collects things, is the simplest method of doing it right. Yet even if you make your own decision to buy a gift, she will love it, because for women it really is the thought that counts (though for a minority of 'hard-nuts' it is the value).
Say Thank You - It is distressing to a woman when she lives with a man to think she has no worth. Thank her for the effort she puts in. Pretty easy, costs nothing and it doesn't hurt.
Say "I Love You" - Often. Look into her eyes and with all the passion and meaning you can muster, tell her you love her. Magic words that can change your life.
Already you have the knowledge to be a great lover out of the bedroom, now its time to become a master of the bedroom arts, which you cannot become unless you.............
What's the size of your penis? Big enough or not? What's the clitoris, vagina and G-Spots? What are their roles in sexually exciting women?
"How big is the normal penis? That is the question of the century" David Rueban
I do not believe there is any man alive who has not at one time or another, wondered about the size of his penis. Some psychiatrists believe that our fear about the size of our 'Dick' is the causal factor in our competition with other men. They are convinced that the male competitive spirit is a straightforward case of "I've got a bigger one than you". That our choice of car states "I've got a bigger one than you". That the reason some white men do not like black men going out with white women is due to the fact "They've got bigger ones than us". That the reason the Far Eastern economies are so strong is to compensate for a perceived lack of a decent sized penis. When I was a politics student, I recall reading that in the Vietnam war, the American CIA in one campaign, dropped not bombs but enormous condoms on the Vietcong. Why? Because it said "We've got bigger ones than you" and so undermine their morale.
Whole books are written about the size of the penis and the effect on men and you never know there just maybe some truth in it. So do you measure up and does it matter to women?
Well, your penis always looks smaller to you as you view it from above and this angle makes it look more minor-league. When you've caught a glimpse of another mans ' wedding-tackle' it always looks bigger, because you view theirs straight on. (Let's face it we've all done it to see how big they are compared to us). So you're probably not as small as you think. Every man goes through the same worry unless he truly does have a whopper.
The average size of a non-erect penis is between 2.5 inches (6 centimeters) and 3.5 inches (9 centimeters). The average size of an erect penis is 4.75 inches (12 centimeters) to 6 inches (15 centimeters). If you have more than 6 inches (15 centimeters) then you are above average, you lucky man. There are very few men who fall outside these sizes, therefore you are likely to be as well endowed as most other men. By the way, the world record penis size is 13.75 inches (35 centimeters) in length by 2 inches (5 centimeters) in diameter. To give you some idea that is the size of a child's arm!
If you fall within the average sizes, it will feel the same to the overwhelming majority of women. Their vaginas do not have the skills of a master wine taster.
"Oh this one is particularly hard with a generous hint of width....... and this one short, thick, full bodied with a meaningful circumcision". Dream on lady.
Size only matters to women if you are particularly huge, whereby you can hurt them, or particularly thin like a pencil, whereby they do not get enough pleasure. Otherwise the old saying "its not the size but what you do with it that matters" still applies.
If there comes a period in your life when you can no longer get it up to reveal its proudness, the chances are it is temporary. There are times in life when stress and worry robs us of our ability to have the 'Little General' stand to attention. Only in a few medical cases does rest and good diet not provide a complete cure. Rather than get worried about it, which will drag you into a downward spiral, keep in mind it is a passing phenomena and concentrate on reducing the stress in your life and enjoy the other sensuous pleasures.
"No woman wants to find out she has a twat like a horse collar" Germaine Greer.
Nature and evolution are quite fantastic I always think. I am sure you'll agree when I tell you this. The lower end of the erection size is 4.75 inches (12 centimeters) as I've said. What is incredible is the length of an average woman's vagina from the entrance to the top where the cervix lies. it's average size is also 4.75 inches (12 centimeters). The same size. So if you are at the lower end of the scale you fill her perfectly. If you are towards the upper end she stretches to accommodate you. Great, isn't it? However if you are too big it becomes uncomfortable for her as she will not accommodate you, so there is no benefit to a woman in you having an enormous 'chopper'. The only way a woman's vagina extends to cope with a baby's head is due to the production of a hormone called Relaxin in the latter stages of pregnancy. It is not something that can be done every day. If you are too big it may put her off as she will not stretch.
Another important law of the universe - size does not matter but genital hygiene does. I am sure you know what I mean, no need to get into the uncomfortable detail of a dirty and smelly penis.
Keep in mind that everyone is different, men and women. Some men are bigger than average, some women smaller. Some women bigger, some men smaller. As you are most likely to be within the average limits and as your partner is also likely to be around the average, you are physically capable of having satisfactory sexual intercourse with her and most women on the planet (given the chance).
In fact if your penis was only 2 inches (5 centimeters) long, unbelievably you could still give a woman satisfaction during sexual intercourse. What? Has he gone mad, you ask yourself. No, I have not.
The most sensitive area of the vagina is the first 2 to 3 inches (5 to 7.5 centimeters). The further up the vaginal walls you go the less sensitive the nerves are. So though it gives a woman a pleasant feeling to fill her vagina, the pleasure area is all around the entrance and within the first few inches. Therefore even the smallest of erections can literally give enormous enjoyment to a woman, if used properly.
There is one exception to the 'higher up you go the less sensitive the nerves become' rule. This is the position of the real, or is it the mythical, G-Spot. The G-Spot was first brought to the attention of the world by a German doctor called Grafenburg, hence the name the G-Spot. He rather modestly named an area of a woman's genitalia after himself. The G-Spot is a small area the size of a bean on the front wall of the vagina that when stimulated correctly, brings a woman to a great state of arousal. Now its actual position is a matter of some debate amongst those men who spend their lives studying the female anatomy. Good old Doc. Grafenburg believed it was about half way between the entrance to the vagina and the cervix (top of the vagina). Later on, two Americans, called Perry and Whipple, said it was higher up, only to be trumped by the Israeli Dr. Hoch, who made it easier to find by suggesting the whole front wall of the vagina is so enriched with nerve endings, it is one giant G-Spot. Just to add to the confusion, a lot of women do not believe it exists and some do not appear to have this sensitive area. Studies have conflicting results, in one only 10% of women said they had this a G-Spot whilst in another 64% said they had. Basically, if it exists it could be anywhere on the front wall and will change from woman to woman.
We will suppose that it exists in its original Grafenburg form. To try and find it, insert your finger in to the vagina and with the tip of your finger press gently on the front wall, slowly moving upwards from just below half way. If there is a G-Spot area, you will find a little spot where vaginal muscles crisscross one another. These muscles do not 'give' like the rest of the vaginal wall but are resistant to gentle pressure. OK you have found it. Too little pressure on this area will do absolutely nothing, too much is painful. Enough will be highly erotic. Those women who have such an area can orgasm from this or will be highly aroused, others will just find it mildly stimulating and wish you would move on and stimulate them somewhere they enjoy better. No rules. Keep an open mind, each woman is an individual, though there is one spot that is highly sensitive in all women and that is the clitoris.
As you can see from the diagram the clitoris is outside the vagina totally. An incredible amount of men either do not know where it is, or think it is inside the vagina somewhere (confused by G-Spots no doubt, though its only a matter of time until some crazy doctor gets the G-Spot out of the vagina all together. The face would be nice and easy). The positioning is right at the beginning of the genitals when you approach from the front. It is small and is very delicate, hidden behind the protective lips and in front of the vagina.
All You Ever Need To Know About Anatomy
The clitoris has a lot of similarities with a penis, in fact you imagine it like a tiny penis, it may help. The highly sensitive area is protected by skin, just like foreskin, but in this case it is called the prepuce. In a man the foreskin protects the glans or head of the penis, and here the prepuce also protects the glans of the clitoris. As the clitoris is stimulated it enlarges and becomes more sensitive, as does your penis. Knowledge on how to stimulate the clitoris in the right way is the key to helping a woman achieve sexual satisfaction and is something we will look at in the next chapter.
That is the end of the anatomy lesson, now you know you're as much a man as virtually everyone who has ever lived and you know female anatomy, the next stage is to become a master in the art of female arousal. A man who wishes to give sexual pleasure to a woman has to learn a very gentle art form. He must become....
"There are no frigid women only clumsy men" Anon .
Foreplay has to be regarded an art form. An art form performed by a courteous and concerned gentleman - this approach is the secret of great foreplay. Let me tell you another interesting statistic. 72% of women believe foreplay is more important than intercourse. Another hard fact for the male mind to grapple with, but to become a great lover it is something that you must know and understand. That statistic is so vital I will repeat it again. 72% of women believe foreplay is more important than intercourse. Fascinating, once you know this you cannot help but be a better lover.
What is it that distinguishes a great lover from an average one? The great lover's ability to resist the shouts from the animal part of his brain and the mounting pressure in his penis to, "Get it in there my son, give her some of the old in-and-out", is the answer. That's all. The great lover waits, he plays the long game because he knows that the more time he spends on foreplay, the greater the woman's pleasure and orgasm. Kinsey who carried out on of the great sex surveys of the century found that only 7.7% of the women whose lovers spent more than 21 minutes on foreplay failed to reach an orgasm.
Women orgasm due to an increase in tension, whereas men orgasm as a release of tension. The ancient Chinese Taoists, who were the undisputed world champions at sexual athletics, knew this and likened sexually exciting a woman to bringing water to the boil. A man must slowly increase the heat, letting the water warm, then simmer, bringing it slowly to boiling point, before letting it boil over. This is the thoughts we men must have at the back of our minds. Always thinking slowly, slowly, gently gently, apply the heat just a little more. Gentleness and slowness are what creates the female passion during foreplay.
There are two major complaints about men and foreplay that are frequently heard. You may have heard them directed at you. I have. The first complaint is we do not do it for long enough - regarding foreplay as something to zip through before the real action and the second complaint is we do not vary our technique often enough.
If there is one sure way to take the water off the heat it is what women call 'ABC sex'. This is where a man has a set foreplay routine which he varies little and uses continuously.
You kiss the right breast, then the left breast, finger her vagina, have intercourse and then finish pleased with your work. Does this give her any deep satisfaction? Absolutely not. You should speak to married women. 'ABC sex' completely turns them off. It is one of the main reasons they will avoid having sex with their husbands, or worse, let him have his way, fake an orgasm and hope he will hurry up and finish.
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Mr. Smug Lies Back Satisfied Thinking "My brilliant routine never fails".
When sex breaks down in a relationship, everything else follows. The effort, time and variety you put into foreplay is the best and most enjoyable way of making wives and girlfriends feel desirable and sexy, instead of them thinking they are a tool for you to carry out an elaborate masturbation. The more desirable and sexy a woman feels, the more passionate, erotic, adventurous and exciting the love making. Foreplay is a craft in itself and not a means to an end. Becoming the Michealangelo in the Art of Foreplay should be to what every man aspires. An artist in doing the unexpected with passion, but like all great artists you first have to prepare the canvas.
Creating the right atmosphere for sex is the primary step in erotic foreplay. When she is willing to share her body with you and you have established an intimate mood, making an effort with some music or the soft light of candles, don't you think this will help the occasion? Of course, because it is seen as romantic and romanticism and eroticism are close allies in a woman's mind. Romance and sex, sex and romance, they are one and the same to a woman and it starts in the restaurant or holding hands in the cinema. For your benefit there are few things as beautiful as a seeing a woman's body in flickering candle light. Enjoy it, create an atmosphere of intimacy.
A lot of women have mentioned that though they are aroused by the thoughtful man who sets up the intimate atmosphere, he must still keep it fun and avoid getting too serious. You know, keep a bit of light-heartedness in the proceedings. Sex is fun. A bit of laughter is guaranteed to eliminate anxiety and add a few degrees to the heat. It is these little efforts that distinguish a great lover from the average man. Making the woman feel she is the center of the world, beautiful and special, is the secret of the successful seducer.
Creating the right environment means removing the feeling of fear. What we as men are after, is to make her feel safe enough to express herself physically. You know, really let go. To this end privacy is very important. A woman will hesitate to have sex if there is a possibility of being discovered, or of being heard. So ensure you are alone and she feels safe.
Having said that, I did read about this mans experience with a woman who fantasized about making love on the back of one of those romantic 'Dinner For Two Love Boats' that sail down the River Seine in Paris. He took her there for a weekend and during dinner she dragged him down to the back of the boat, pushed him to the floor, pulled down his trousers and got astride him in full view of diners and staff. ( "Waiter! Two of what she's had"). Marvelous stuff. Lucky bastard!
This is an unusual occurrence so until otherwise dragged off for sex in your nearest boating lake, keep to the principal of making her feel safe and secure.
Make sure you have taken care of birth control, which means having condoms handy. Never expect, or assume, a woman to have taken precautions. The responsibility lies with yourself and accepting that responsibility is seen as positive decisive action. If you really want to be a great lover practice putting them on in the dark because they can be a real bugger trying to put on, when the fires of passion are roaring and your penis is up at eye level. (I wish).
Unrolling a condom over your erection at the peak of sexual excitement with an aroused woman groaning alongside you, is tremendously difficult and if you're not an expert causes an embarrassing holdup in proceedings. There are few things worse than being in bed with a woman screaming for you to make love to her and you're fumbling about on the floor looking for a minute piece of rubber that catapulted itself from the top of your erection to the middle of the carpet (and why is it you always find the foil wrapper when looking in the dark?). Some women will help you put one on, but do not count on it. Being able to quietly slip on a condom is another of these little male actions that discern the assured gentleman from the bumbling bloke. In some countries women can go to classes to learn how to put one on their partners cock with their mouths. Now that's what I call a night-school and well worth paying your taxes for.
Did you realize that to a woman, a man kisses the way he makes love. This alone is knowledge that I would have paid a fortune for many years ago. Women can gauge the type of lover you are from your kisses. The man who kisses hard, eats half his partners face, sticks his tongue down his partners throat is giving himself away as a poor, somewhat violent and speedy lover. Whereas the man who kisses softly, brushing his tongue occasionally against her lips, is a sensitive lover who knows how to turn his partner on. She knows in a flash an incredible amount about you and your sexual style from a kiss You will be arousing her or turning her off with your kiss, so practice kissing properly. If there is no chemistry or magic from your kiss, then there is little chance of exciting her further. Practice on the back of your hand (do not practice this one on the bus) until you have a warm soft kiss. Few things can melt a woman like a beautiful kiss.
The ideal kiss a man can give a woman is full of passion and desire, yet with lips soft and warm. The tendency is to mix passion with hard lips. Think passion and desire, act soft and warm with the mouth. Extremely important advice on how to kiss - Kiss with the softness you would a baby but with the sexual intensity you would a breast. If you only take away one fact from this book make it this one, as knowing how a woman likes to be kissed will win you the favors of most women.
The way a mans and woman's body differ, is more than just one has their organs outside their body and the other has their organs inside their body. When Johnny Average is being touched during foreplay his whole being screams "For God's sake rub my penis!". Stroking, touching and caressing, nice as they are, are not really what a man wants sexually, though I have seen it written in women's magazines that this is the case. Who is telling these women such lies? Would you rather have a lady caress your neck or your erection? Stroke your hair or your knob?
On the other hand, many women receive a great deal of satisfaction from being stroked, touched and caressed. Their whole body is responsive to the correct touch. Lightly and sensitively stroking hair, skin, neck and stomach are very stimulating for her. Some women can have orgasms by simply brushing their hair.
When women talk about men and their foreplay styles, they always say that after a brief acquaintance with the rest of the body, we all too soon head south, straight for the genitals. There is a bloody good reason for this, ladies. Men touch women like they want to be touched ("stop mucking about, madam, grab hold of my cock") and women touch men like they wish to be touched ("softly stimulate me all over before stroking my genitals"). Therefore men head for the 'vitals' between the legs far too early and women, by the time they find their way to your erection, discover you've been biting the pillow for fifteen minutes.
Basically the longer and more prolonged you excite the rest of her body, the more she likes it. The more you touch her he way she touches you, the more highly charged she becomes. Softly caressing one part of the body then leaving it to caress another, then returning to the first part later, is the way women tend to like being touched. Kissing the breast, leaving it to kiss the neck and lips, licking her lower abdomen then leaving it to stroke her upper arms, playing with her genitals through her underwear then leaving them to kiss her lips with passion, is the type the foreplay that arouses women. Slow down, linger, explore and be playful when touching a woman's body.
Never stay in one place, keep moving, remember her whole body is sex zone. Touch, leave and revisit are the ingredients to making her as 'randy as Hell'. A man should only ever touch the clitoral and vaginal areas with his fingers when she is really wet. There can be no greater indicator of your foreplay technique than finding that out.
The gentleman lover is aware of this and spends time stroking, touching and caressing. He approaches her genitals slowly because he knows by the time he gets there, she will be soaked with excitement and be more than a little keen for him to put his hand between her legs. The longer you touch her the greater her eventual orgasm. I do not want you to go by the clock but on average a woman needs 17 minutes of touching according to a study of over 700 nurses. A great lover feels how she touches him and touches her back the same way. His awareness is such, that if she starts touching harder he touches harder, if softer, he touches softer. Her subconscious gives him physical messages to let him know what to do. It is similar to mirroring but using touch. This is the style of touching that is erotic for women and all you have to do is copy.
The great lover also kisses and strokes his partner like he has never seen or caressed this body before. He treats it like a temple. His approach is what the Bhuddists refer to as 'Beginner's Mind'. Each time he starts afresh, because what stimulated his partner on the Friday, may not stimulate her on the Saturday. There is no standard routine. A woman dislikes a man who attempts to make love using a set mechanical formula. Every woman is different and each woman changes daily. So keep an open mind and approach as an experienced man would a young virgin. Reassuring, with strength, with passion and with awareness to her needs. (Ask yourself "What if I had never had sex with this woman before, how excited could I make her, how lubricated can she get?")
Obviously breasts play a starring role in foreplay. I have never yet met a man who does not enjoy sucking a woman's nipples, aren't they just magnificent? Men get an enormous amount of pleasure from playing with breasts and women receive a great deal of pleasure from this wonderful activity. Stroking, fondling, licking, caressing or kissing breasts is very erotic for both parties. Who cares about that old-fart Freud and his theories that men suck breasts because they wish to return to infant hood? What a sad old git. He really did miss out!
As a woman's breasts can become tender at different times of the month always treat them at all times very softly. As with all matters relating to foreplay, taking time with sensitive touch is the key. Be gentle with breasts. As you suck or caress them, the nipples and the breast tissue will become swollen. This swelling causes the nerves to become more sensitive increasing her stimulation. I have known women who can orgasm by having their nipples sucked and their breasts fondled - we are talking highly erotic now.
All women's breasts start to drop after the late teens when the breast tissue and ligaments are at their healthiest. The modern fad is for women to flock to a cosmetic surgeon to recapture this time and shape. If you come across large and firm breasts that point to the ceiling whenever she lies down and she is older than her early twenties, the chances are they are the product of surgery. One very important thing to know about women and their breasts, is they have the same hang-ups with them as men do with their penises. They believe that they are too small, too large, too saggy or they do not have a matching pair. Hence more and more women are turning to surgery. Do not believe for an instant that you are in any way responsible for some women having more silicon than blood in their bodies as I have heard suggested by feminists. It is not done purely for a mans benefit but carried out to help a woman's state of mind and feel better about herself by recapturing her youth.
A wise man can make a woman feel particularly attractive and sexy by complimenting her breasts - even if you have to put self-esteem before truth (again). If she has a chest like a pancake, say how much you dislike great big floppy breasts and how it excites you to see such nipples. If she has gigantic large swinging tits, say how feminine and sexy they look and how much pleasure they give you. Whatever the case, always speak nicely of them. Imagine a woman looking at your cock and saying "That's tiny, I really prefer big ones". You would be devastated. It works both ways, so always love what she has, it can only encourage her self-esteem and make her feel good about herself and you.
After slowly increasing the water towards boiling point you are now ready to make contact with the Celestial Palace between her legs, which by now should be a rather moist place.
The Celestial Palace is an old Chinese name for a woman's genitals which I think sounds really rather good. This is where the 'gentle man' ( or should that be the 'genital man') earns his title. The entire genital area around the clitoris and the entrance to the vagina is so packed full of sensitive pleasure nerves, that an insensitive or rough man can cause discomfort causing the water to cool dramatically. You know how you like to have your penis firmly rubbed when being masturbated, well this does not apply when masturbating a woman. Lightness, sensitivity and well filed fingernails are the magic ingredients when manually exciting your partner.
As was pointed out in the anatomy chapter 'Know Your Organs', the glans of the clitoris is very sensitive. Too much direct stimulation can cause great discomfort. Use indirect stimulation by light pressure on the hood that surrounds the clitoris. 98% of all women orgasm through direct or indirect clitoral stimulation. Correct stimulation by hand and mouth, is arguably the most important aspect of sex for her. Using the soft pads, (the parts the police use to take your fingerprints), make little circular motions either clockwise or anti clockwise around her clitoris. I have always found anti clockwise to be the most erotic for my partners, probably because most right-handed women masturbate their clitoris in an anti clockwise direction. Make it not too fast, but not too slow. If in doubt err on the side of slowness. Unlike ourselves a quick bit of friction is not the answer.
If your partner is not too shy ask her to show you, or encourage you by saying what you are doing right. Never be ashamed to take her advice and remember what you are told for future reference. It is the best teaching you will ever get. On the job experience is always the most valuable. Knowledge and experience are two different things. Do not make her tell you if she doesn't want to. A lot of women for their own reasons are reluctant to talk about sex. That is not your fault, she will have to deal with it. You listen if she wants to talk about it, otherwise leave it. you're doing your best being a sensitive gentleman, that's enough.
By stimulating the clitoris this way and keeping a steady rhythm she will be very excited and will be hanging on to you and making these sexy noises only a woman can make. At this stage she may scream at you to touch her faster or harder as she approaches climax. Manually stimulating your partners clitoris is by far the easiest way for a man to bring about a woman's orgasm.
Things are much simpler if you can get her to show you how she masturbates, but I would wait until your relationship is well established before asking, or you may have to make an appointment with a dentist to have your missing teeth replaced. When she doesn't show or tell you then you have to listen to her groans and the other signs for guidance, and if you get it wrong well it's hardly your fault is it?
Every woman is different and for some prolonged pressure around the clitoris is a bit much and they prefer to have you insert an occasional finger into their vagina. As the first two inches (five centimeters) are the most sensitive a gentle rhythmic sliding motion is enough. There is no need to stick your fingers in deep and push about as if you are looking for a coin dropped down the back of the sofa. When you return to clitoral stimulation maybe use your circular motion slightly further away from the glans.
The one exception for pushing your finger in deep is of course for the stimulus of our old elusive friend, the G-Spot. For this you will have to ask yourself a) if you've got it, b) are you doing it right and c) if you haven't got it what the hell does she think you are doing.
If you are stimulating the clitoris correctly, or massaging the nerves around the vagina erotically, or bringing her to ecstasy using the G-Spot, then continue what you are doing at the same speed, unless asked to change. Recall that women orgasm due to an increase in tension, bringing the water to the boil and so forth. This is usually better achieved by keeping the same rhythm and pressure. Any change lessens the tension and her body has to readjust to a new beat. For a man speed equals orgasm for a woman speed can equal frustration and pain.
More women orgasm through oral sex than from intercourse, because of the intensity of pleasure derived from a hot tongue licking directly around their clitoral region. What you can do with your finger you can accomplish with your tongue. Except massage the G-Spot of course; otherwise you should be in a circus. When giving oral sex, again use the circular clockwise or anti clockwise movements around the hood of the clitoris and stimulate the entrance to the vagina. Many women have told me that they tend to hang on to man who can give good oral sex, when for other reasons they may have normally have got rid of him. They ALL like it. Though you cannot talk for two days if you do it long enough for some of them to orgasm, it is the only time a man can get cramp in the base of his tongue. "He has a well hung tongue" as the old saying goes. A good lover must become a keen practitioner of oral sex. Some women have genitals that tend to smell a bit 'fishy' and I have absolutely no idea how you can tell them without causing offense. Good luck, if you know a way then let me know.
As you or I never get lessons in sex, nor do women, especially in giving you oral sex. In the UK the slang term for oral sex is 'blow job' and I have had experience of someone blowing over the top of my penis like she was putting out a candle; such is the naiveté of some women. The thought of receiving oral sex is nearly always better than the actual event because not too many women are that good at it.
I know a man, a successful lawyer, who was absolutely obsessed with the idea. When he was younger no girl he dated ever wanted to go 'down on him'. He told me when he married, he thought he would have 'blow jobs' every night. His new wife thought the idea disgusting and wouldn't do it. After he divorced, he had a series of girlfriends who still wouldn't do it. Eventually he dated a woman who loved doing it. After the most anticipated night of his life he told me next day that he didn't like it very much and it had been quite painful. Why? Because the woman thought she had to bite the end of his penis as he approached orgasm to increase his pleasure. Poor man, I left him walking along the road to the doctor's like he had dismounted from a horse.
There are several things that women do not appreciate when giving you oral sex. One is that men are visually stimulated and we can't see what they're doing, which is half the fun. The second is that men have little patience when it comes to having an orgasm and women tend to take a long time when giving you oral sex, never giving you enough friction when it counts. Receiving oral sex is the only time that my toes can touch the heels of the same foot! It falls on the male shoulders therefore, to offer advice and encouragement to the lady when she is down on her knees. She is not going to know by instinct what you like.
Thirdly, receiving oral sex can also feel pretty selfish because if you orgasm then basically that's you finished for the next couple of hours (or days) and its pretty difficult to even muster up a thank you kiss (another of life's mysteries, why do women want to kiss you on the lips after you've ejaculated in their mouths?).
Which leads us on to the fourth thing - the dilemma of whether you should 'Cum' in her mouth. The best advice is to let her know your going to have an enormous release of sperm and leave it up to her. She will take it out her mouth if needs be.
There is a wide range of opinion amongst women as to whether they enjoy giving a man oral sex. "Too demeaning" and "too unhygienic" are the commonest reasons some women are reluctant to play on the Pink Flute. Other women do it on special occasions like your birthday, or as a patronizing reward if you have been a very good boy and done the shopping and cleaning. Those that do enjoy giving a man oral sex (the majority), and there are millions and millions of them, only hate it if you thrust into their mouths as it makes them choke.
Many men reckon that once they are married their wives enthusiasm for oral sex diminishes as their desire for food rises. The leader of the English Collective of Prostitutes once said, "If the women of England were willing to spend more time on their knees, most of my members would be out of a job". The main business for prostitutes is from married men seeking good oral sex. Oral sex is something to be wary about and it can be a touchy subject with many women. Your partner has her own personal choice, desires and hang-ups as an individual and concerning oral sex these have to be respected.
To try and force your partner into doing something she may not want to do, can only lead to trouble and resentment. If oral sex is the major thing in your sex life and not hers, then you have found an incompatible sexual partner. Do something about it, even if you go elsewhere, rather than make two people miserable. If you can live without it then enjoy the rest of your sexual pleasures. Only you can weigh up the intensity of your desires against your present happiness, or lack of it. If she enjoys giving it then your a lucky man.
Fortunately most women are willing to learn to give oral sex. Ensure you are clean, responsive and helpful and you may reach that stage when you think "Oh God no, she wants to do it again". If most are keen to learn, all are keen to receive and licking around her clitoris is the greatest turn-on you can give her. Give and you shall receive.
There is an absolute sexual line that no gentleman must ever cross. At any time, a woman has the right to refuse your sexual advances. Even if you are at the point of entry and your penis is about to burst. If she says stop, then stop. If she says no, then no. Accept it. This truly is the action of the strongest of the strong, rolling with one of life's hardest punches. Go to the bathroom and masturbate, or limp to your car and wait until you get home. At no time do you force, threaten or coerce. These are the actions of the weak man and do you want to be accused of, or known as, a rapist? Of course not. Men who rape are truly the weakest of the weak and deserve to be castrated with a blunt instrument.
Painful and difficult though stopping is, the woman will respect you for your strength. This is the time where the savage part of man must do battle with the conscious part and it takes enormous efforts to overcome the savage when sex is involved. To carry on regardless of what she says in the hope she may give in, perhaps will prove successful, perhaps not. If she does give in to your pressure, then she will feel dirty, her self-esteem will be damaged and you will have forced an unwilling human into having sex with you. If she doesn't give in, then you will become yesterday's man for being so insensitive to her needs and so selfish in your own. You may have a pain in your testicles, but at least you respected the rights of another human being and have the bonus of a woman who will like you all the more. This will be to your advantage in the long term as you may have passed an important test concerning whether you respect her or not.
Anyhow, that is way off the point. By the time the woman has started to lubricate the Celestial Palace after soft sensuous foreplay, you are in more danger of being devoured than being asked to leave.
Women get the horn and are desperate for sex just the same as men. Sometimes, something or someone has ignited the cooker and she is already nearing boiling point without you even touching her. If you are lucky enough to encounter this, then there is nothing more healthy and erotic, than ripping off each others clothes and 'going for it' wherever you are. At such times to hell with the foreplay. Who cares about it? Let's have some spontaneity. These moments are to be enjoyed. Many women are turned on by the dirtiness and wild thrusting of a 'quickie', but only once in a while, though, as a bit of variation.
As relationships progress, such times of willful lust and abandon, fade into memory and become warm thoughts when your current sexual advances are frozen out. However, if you can occasionally rekindle these times then you will keep your partnership and yourself fresh. A fine method of doing so, is to unexpectedly touch or kiss your partner in a sexy way, when you are somewhere where sex is not possible e.g. friend's house for dinner. Doing this will either make her feel special and sexy or you'll get a knee in the groin. If its the first option anticipation of what will be happening later leads to her becoming greatly aroused. Many women have their best orgasms and are at their most lustful, when anticipation and surprise are involved and are ready for a 'quickie' when the opportunity presents itself. If you get the knee, sorry I was only trying to help.
As 'quickies' are rare, you will normally have spent time in bed raising the temperature using your foreplay artistry and you're now ready for passionate intercourse. The all powerful primitive natural driving force that shapes a mans life, the innate desire to fertilize eggs has finally to be released.
To be brutally honest and my apologies to any women reading this, but conversation, kissing and foreplay are things men mostly do for women, isn't it? If nature had given man the ability and choice to mate with whom he wished, a man would happily bend most women over the kitchen table for a quick shag without any preamble, then fall asleep in front of the T.V. The savage would be well out. As it is, women have the say in choosing with whom they will mate and we play to their rules. So as nice a dream it is, to ponder what life could be like if we were the ones with the sexual power, our destiny is to win over women in order they will mate with us. That is really what it all comes down to. The consequences for a woman in having children with the wrong man are enormous. Though nearly all sex is for pleasure and we take elaborate precautions to avoid pregnancy, the primal selection rules still effects the female unconscious choice, that's why we have to go through with the sexual pantomime. Women do not differentiate between romance, foreplay and intercourse, it is all under the one banner of Sex, for them. This is why they put such an emphasis on romance and foreplay and why we have to pay so much attention to the first two if we want the third.
In a study on an American University campus, a handsome male stranger walked up to women and asked them these three questions without any introduction. Would you have a date with me? Would you come back to my place? Would you have intercourse with me tonight? Zero per cent of women answered yes to the last question.
In the same study a beautiful woman stranger walked up to men and asked them these three questions without any introduction. Would you have a date with me? Would you come back to my place? Would you have intercourse with me tonight? SEVENTY SIX per cent of men answered yes to the last question! Draw your own conclusions about romance, sex, men and women from that.
The real thing for men is sexual intercourse. (Though I did have a friend who was a compulsive masturbator and he gave me a different view. I remember his one great philosophical statement as he came out of a toilet zipping up his trousers, "Oh Ben" he said, "Intercourse is OK but its not as good as the real thing"). It is discipline that makes a man a great lover, not nature and the more disciplined you become in romance and foreplay the more you are praised as a lover. It is something you can learn to become, not something you are born with. Men do not behave like water being brought to the boil, we are more like an electrical switch. Instead of on and off, we have erect and soft, erect and soft. Just two states - aroused and not aroused. Though sadly we seem to receive general abuse from our partners for this when they do not feel like sex but we do. There is a perfectly sound evolutionary reason why a man is like this, which we will look at in one of the upcoming chapters on controlling your ejaculation.
When the time comes for intercourse there are ways of turning it into an art form in itself. You can take it from the subconscious base animal desire to get your sperm out as fast as possible, into a prolonged physical ecstatic experience for her and yourself. Sexual intercourse, mating, the drive to spread our genes, is the force that has shaped every aspect of your life without you consciously knowing about it. For a man it is..............
"And he came into her at once, to enter the peace on earth of her soft, quiescent body. It was the moment of pure peace for him, the entry into the body of a woman" D.H. Lawrence.
Have you ever had a look at the Kama Sutra, or any other book of sexual positions? They show all these incredible postures for intercourse. For some, you would need to be the world's greatest yoga practitioner, with a swiveling, detachable penis, that could be pulled off and stuck onto your lower left buttock.
There are in fact only four positions for sexual intercourse you really need to be familiar with.
Man on top,
Woman on top,
Side by side,
Man behind woman.
That's it. Everything else is just a variation on one of these four themes.
Each of these positions has their advocates but what you do is purely a matter of personal choice. Generally, it is good to mix them up, as variety makes for a better lover. Due to physical or psychological reasons, some women do not like certain positions, so take that particular dish out of the sexual banquet you offer. Men can orgasm in any position but women cannot.
Man on top, or the Missionary position as it is commonly known, is the stock standard most general position. In a film, when they wish to portray a couple having sexual intercourse, you always see a mans naked back with a woman underneath him. This is the way most people start their sex life and this is the way most people continue to make love. It calls for the woman to 'surrender' and be 'taken' by the man, putting him in charge of coitus. The Man on Top position is better for slender active men and for women that orgasm quickly and easily. It is very tiresome for men because we support ourselves using weak muscles and offers little direct stimulation of the clitoris.
A variations for this position which is very pleasurable for your partner and allows you to be in a position to use your stronger muscles, is to pull her body across the bed until her buttocks are over the edge of the mattress. You kneel on the floor between her legs and thrust up hard and firm into the front wall of the vagina, aware you are not causing her any discomfort. Being experts on G-Spots and the sensitivity of the lower front wall, you will know why this is particularly exciting for many women. It also has the benefit of not having your weight on top of the less physically strong woman and a lot of women find this weightlessness sexually liberating. It is recommended you try this position as I do not know a woman who hasn't liked this.
Other women like having a weight on them, they like the idea of 'surrendering' to a man and having him thrust away. If this is the case then continue to use the lying position. In the lying position there are two other variations you can introduce. The first is to bring your weight forward onto your elbows allowing her to raise her buttocks and thrust against you. The second is called Riding High
Shere Hite, author of the Hite Report on female sexuality, states that a woman's orgasm comes through direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris and not through vaginal stimulation alone. Too many men still think a good in-and-out can do the trick, but not many women are going to orgasm from this. However, Riding High gives you the best of both worlds, some in and out for you, vaginal and direct clitoral stimulation for her.
As you know only too well, the head, or glans of your penis, is where your enjoyment comes from. The base of your penis down by your pubic hair is hardly sensitive at all. Riding High means using the base of your penis and the pubic bone just above it to excite her clitoris. To do this you need to move your body physically higher towards her head, in order that your pubic bones and her pubic bone are aligned. When you are in position concentrate on using the base of your penis as the point of contact against her clitoris. The ancient Taoist lovers used this technique as the standard way to satisfy a woman and not lose their sperm. They believed that when ever a man orgasmed, it shortened his life. (I can relate to that). The key to their sexual prowess was to rub the base of their penis against the clitoris for a count of nine and on the tenth stroke, slide the entire length into the lady in the usual way, then 'ride high' for another nine and so on. Note you do not take your penis out when 'riding high', you rock against the clitoris, keep the penis head in but the base out (Oh hokey cokey cokey). This has an enormous side benefit, as well as stimulating and making her highly excited, it stops you from ejaculating too soon (A topic we shall look at in the next chapter). Try the Riding High Nine and Slide', it has worked wonders for me since I found out about it.
When Riding High The Point Of Friction Moves Up Towards The Clitoris
Other variations you may wish to introduce to add spice to the Missionary, are the woman's legs around your waist, or over your shoulder, or one leg round your waist, or one leg over your shoulder, or on the furniture, or on the stairs etc., etc., whatever she finds comfortable and stimulating.
Woman on Top is for active women, who need longer to orgasm and for overweight men. This position is a lot easier for a woman, as it gives her control over her own orgasm by allowing her to place erotic pressure on her clitoris at her own pace. A man can help by thrusting at the same speed that she slides down his erection and by also making little hula-hoop movements with his pelvis as a further stimulation. Some women like to touch their clitoris with their finger when on top, as this form of manual stimulation can add greatly to their excitement and is something a gentleman lover wishes to encourage and does not feel slighted in any way.
If your partner has problems having an orgasm, for perhaps justifiable mental or physical reasons, then this position is the best for helping her. It gives her power over her own sexuality and it's not bad for you having a lovely lady moving up and down on your erection, with her breasts dancing in your face. (Life can be hard sometimes, but it's all in a good cause).
The variations are she sits on you, she lies on you, she turns around and faces away from you (can be very painful and dangerous for you, watch out!), or you sit up to face her and help move her up and down using your hands to lift her buttocks.
Woman On Top: "All in a good cause" thinks Mr. Frog.
The side by side style takes some coordination and a bit of agility. It is a popular position for those who practice Tantric sex and is carried out face to face. For reasons unknown it is sometimes called the African position and is regarded by some as the most underrated position of them all.
The aim of Tantric sex is to prolong sexual arousal and receive spiritual renewal as a result. An extremely long time is spend touching during foreplay, followed by intercourse that is performed equally slowly. The penis penetrates the vagina by a couple of centimeters, stays there for a minute, withdraws, lies against the clitoral hood for another minute and then slides back into the aroused vagina.
Prolonged intercourse in this manner can only be achieved if the couple lie side by side facing each other. It is quite a good position for a man to help him last longer and is relaxing for both parties. She lies with one leg between his legs and her other one over him. It does take great mastery and control as the urges to thrust quicker are overwhelming. By using this technique of long slow periods of foreplay, followed by this very slow gentle love making, practitioners of this method can literally make love for a whole afternoon. It is an incredibly intimate and intense pastime and well worth a try, but if you are similar to me you won't be able to control yourself for that long.
A Hot Day In Africa
Man behind woman offers effortless deep and energetic penetration and makes a man orgasm faster. This position can really bring out the animal in you. However for some women, it can be physically painful or uncomfortable. In addition, there are other women who are uneasy if they cannot see you, as it can get a bit close to feeling like rape. This applies to a minority of women, but is something the gentleman lover keeps in mind before he frantically turns her over and turns himself into the 'Wild Man of Borneo'.
In this position, a mans thrusts are very strong and purposeful, but depending on the angle of thrust, pressure is frequently applied to the back wall of the vagina, missing the G-Spot and offering little or no friction around the clitoris. For this reason, not all women can climax in this posture, unless one of you reaches round and gently plays with the clitoris using your hand. A minority of women can achieve quite satisfactory vagina-only orgasms and receive great pleasure from this position. Others, in contrast to those who feel it's like a rape because they can't see you, are turned on by not being able to see you, yet feel you inside her. The personal preferences of each woman are all that matters. Keep communicating with her to find out what is best for her.
Variations on rear entry positions are lying down on your sides, with your partner facing away, known as the Spoon position, because you lie like two spoons in a drawer. The Spoons is commonest in poor countries due to the fact that rooms, or houses, are shared with the extended family. Intercourse is performed very discreetly using this method without anyone being made aware. (Except the woman involved, one hopes).
There is a popular modification on the Spoons whereby the woman rotates slightly to face more towards the ceiling. The man is now entering more from a sideways angle, rather than straight from behind. This exposes the clitoris for manual stimulation. This position has been categorized as The Starfish by the Great Namer Of Sexual Positions, whom ever that may be. Other versions of Man Behind Woman are standing with the woman bent over different pieces of furniture, the stairs, the car bonnet etc.,etc. Say no more, just get on with it.
As well as trying different positions, you can also try different thrust techniques.
How To Become The 'Wild Man Of Borneo'
Playing On The Spoons
And The More Harmonious Starfish
We men have two natural thrusting speeds, fast and bloody fast. Try changing instead to long slow thrusts, perhaps taking up to four seconds for each penetration, followed up by the same length of time for each withdrawal and see how you get on. Very erotic for some women. Vary her pleasure by thrusting shallow, deep, left, right, hard, soft or mix it up. What you seek is a position and a rhythm that brings your partner satisfaction and increases her sexual tension. This will differ from woman to woman and alters depending on which position you have used, but constantly keep experimenting.
The majority of men believe they must speed up when their partner gets near orgasm and switch into the bloody fast 'rabbit mode'. The rhythm that you have already been using has brought her to this point of ecstasy, so do not change at this crucial moment. You will be left in no doubt if she wants you to speed up or thrust harder. An accomplished lover learns the kind of rhythm to which his partner responds, her best orgasms are frequently not the ones that result from hard thrusting, but from a gentler tempo.
When a woman has an orgasm that does not mean it is all over for her. The crafty old Taoists still had a few aces up their sleeve to take a woman through nine levels of ecstasy, towards a complete sexual fulfillment.
For the ancient Chinese, the man was regarded as the servant who had to pay attention to the urges of the woman and take her through the nine levels. These nine levels come about through a combination of foreplay and intercourse.
Level one - is when the woman starts to breathe heavily, gives sighs and produces more saliva when she kisses.
Level two - whilst kissing she starts to use her tongue in your mouth and around your lips.
Level three - she will start to grab you tighter with her arms and her legs as more strength flows through them.
Level four - she has vaginal spasms and her juices flow.
Level five - she has increased flexibility and will feel like biting you.
Level six - she will start to wriggle like a snake and will be trying to squeeze you with her arms and legs.
Level seven - Everything is now boiling and she desperately wants to touch you everywhere.
Level eight - she starts to relax and bites a bit more.
Level nine - she collapses into a little death and surrenders, completely opened to the man.
Sounds great doesn't it? So how do you do it? Well it appears to the practitioners of these masterful ways, that a modern man stops stimulating a woman after level four. Level four is all passionate, hugging, panting, kissing and vaginal spasms. To the untrained, it seems like a great orgasm for her but she has greater heights to scale. By continuing from this point, she will be taken to even higher octaves of orgasmic pleasure. Sustained stimulation after level four makes her body movements become more vigorous and frantic, until she finally collapses, satisfied.
You take your partner to level four by using foreplay, masturbation, oral sex and/or intercourse. We all know women are capable of having two, three, four, five or more orgasms, one after the other. Therefore you must continue with the same stimulation that has brought her this far, maintaining the same rhythmic pace with the same depth of thrust, or the same stimulation with hand or mouth. You will feel her orgasmic contractions return. Her face and body movements will display the deepening feeling until she is helpless with sensation. Each of her orgasms is slightly more intense than the previous one until there comes a point where she is whimpering for you to stop. It means delayed gratification for you and sensational experiences for her, but not always because with all the best will and sensitivity in the world you cannot make it happen.
Not all women orgasm all of the time, compared to men who orgasm easily. (Good God some men can orgasm by buggering animals or having someone piss on them). If she is not going to orgasm either because of her state of mind, or by not being aroused enough during foreplay, or maybe you have not found out the correct way of stimulating her yet; the worst thing you can do is keep pounding or rubbing away. You cannot make her climax. This is a false notion and should be dismissed from your mind forever.
For a woman orgasms are not purely a physical experience, it depends on a number of factors of which you are only one. How relaxed she is, how safe she feels with you, are you going to be disturbed, do you only show affection in bed, how taken for granted she thinks she is, how physically attractive you currently are to her, are just some of the many components in love making for women.
In such circumstances a gentleman either ejaculates quietly or withdraws without accusation and bad feeling when she is not going to climax. You never ask "Did you orgasm?" and you must always cuddle your partner after sex. If you do not feel like cuddling your partner then hold her hand. Remember, romanticism and sex are one and the same for her, so though it is the grand finale for you it is only a continuation for her. A mans natural desire is to recover and sleep after intercourse, a woman's desire is to be held as it is still part of the sex act for her. You must make an effort to hold her after sex no matter especially if it was not a great experience for her.
On the other hand if circumstances are in your favor, the Moon is aligned with Venus or whatever, the hormones are pumping and you smell good enough to eat, then go for the nine levels and hang on tight. Apply your knowledge of sensuous, patient foreplay and make it a sexual experience to remember for the rest of her life or until the next time. (Whichever comes sooner). If the practitioners of the ancient ways are correct, after she has reached level four proceed to unleash the Great Lover inside you. Your ability as a lover will be talked about in intimate female circles for a generation.
Again, act romantic after the event for her added satisfaction, even though you wish to flop onto the pillow and start snoring like a pig who is very pleased with himself.
As stressed before, keep your sex life varied. Have sex at different times and places, ensuring of course she feels safe. Do it on the bed, the furniture, the stairs, outside, inside, up against the wall, naked, partially clothed or fully clothed. It is another burden that befalls a man - he must make sex interesting and fun. A display of strength and decision making on these matters is warmly appreciated, as women like intercourse to be interesting and are all too frequently shy or slow about making suggestions.
There is only one person who knows when penetration should take place and that is not you. The talented lover waits for the woman to decide and lets the woman's hand guide him in.
There are some aspects regarding intercourse that are not so well received by women and are worth noting.
Failing to plan to have condoms handy is not very smart. Expecting her to look after birth control is a touch outdated these days and will lose you a great deal of credibility. We've already discussed this in an earlier chapter.
Trying to have anal sex is a big no-no. There are very few women who like to be buggered and it is a fear of several women I know. It would be the exact same sensation if you were being sodomised. I can't say I fancy it myself, so I have certain sympathy with the female viewpoint.
Being sexually unresponsive to her needs and demands is regarded as particularly selfish. Historically women were regarded as existing for men's pleasure. As my mate used to say "Ben if you didn't fuck them would you have anything to do with them?". Sexually, the boot is on the other foot and we are now regarded as being there to aid their pleasure. This is a welcome change, as the more a woman enjoys sex the more erotic it is for a man. Both parties benefit from this progressive step.
Each woman is an individual and must be treated as such. Each will have her own needs and demands. Asking for guidance is no threat to your masculinity, far from being the action of a wimp, it is a sign of strength to admit "I am a man who wants to please you, show me how". Great strength by a cool guy and great lover who is just about to have great sex. Expecting what worked with a previous partner to work for everyone else, is folly.
Yet another statistic that is of interest: 68% of women say they would like more sex than they are having. Now isn't that an inspirational figure? The sex the majority of women are having is not what they are after, hence the high percentage who are not satisfied. You know what to do.
That statistic shows that too many men are poor lovers. What we have on offer is not what women want. They do not wish more of the same, they want better, more considerate lovers with more variety and passion. It is pretty easy to read all this, words flow of the page and into your minds as smooth as silk, but putting this knowledge into action and transforming yourself as man and lover, is another matter. You cannot do it overnight.
In Japan their economy is based on a successful strategy called kaizen. Kaizen means making small but constant improvements. Just think if you improved your prowess as a lover by as little as 1% each time you had sex and you had sex twice a week, it would take you only 8 months to become TWICE the lover you are now. This is the power of a 1% compound improvement. By the end of two years you would be several times the lover you are now. Imagine if you could improve 1% a day, in as quickly as 10 weeks you would be twice the lover. This is a philosophy to embrace for life. No man can turn himself from poor lover A to great lover B overnight. However, by small continuous incremental changes you will turn yourself around faster than you can contemplate. Imagine what you would achieve if you could improve yourself 10% each week.
Using Kaizen you can change anything, your intelligence, your personality, your listening skills, your humor, your foreplay skills or your intercourse artistry. However, there is one thing that is harder to change than anything you can possibly think of. We may be able to get to the moon but that is nothing compared to the patience, control and practice it takes to ......delay your ejaculation.
"...like so many modern men, he was finished before he had begun" D.H. Lawrence
The cruelest tricks of nature as many women will tell you, is the difference in time it takes for men and women to orgasm. A man climaxes after about two minutes, a woman takes anywhere from seven to twenty minutes. Men are sprinters, women are long distance runners and we have to slow down because they cannot speed up. it's a real bugger! During his two minutes of stardom, every man is a great passionate lover. What is needed is a method of extending that passion and urgency for the benefit of the 'slow coach'.
Some male primates, our closest genetic cousins, climax after seven to ten thrusts, (a situation we probably have all been familiar with! No letters from ex-girlfriends, please). Zoologists, who study these matters, reckon that as the female monkeys only come into season for short periods of time, there is an evolutionary advantage for the male in doing it often and quickly. When I tell you that there is less than a 1% difference in DNA between chimpanzees and humans, you will realize that there is a bit of the primate inside every mans sexual activities.
Human females have evolved to be in 'season' practically all the time, whereas our poor old male gonads have moved little from the ape-man days. Often and quickly is still our natural sexual urge. Therefore how do you manage to fill the orgasm gap?
When every muscle, every sinew, every cell, screams for you to ejaculate it's not the easiest matter to overcome millions of years of evolution and say "Hang on. I think I will satisfy my partner first". We have all heard second hand about men who can keep it up all night, but most of us know first hand the embarrassment of becoming too excited too soon. Premature ejaculation is up there with "You're Tiny" and "You're Bankrupt" as two of the scariest phrases a man can hear.
There is no man alive who wants to be regarded as one who ejaculates prematurely, to be known as, or think himself as, inadequate in satisfying a woman. It is important for our ego, self-esteem and masculinity to be regarded as competent lovers. I raise my hat to women as generally they do not make you feel bad about the fact you have died your death and they are still on sexual level two. You can bravely attempt to cover the fact by simply saying, "Well this has never happened to me before, you just excite me too much", but inside you feel like a failure, leaving your partner unsatisfied.
" ...it was thirty seconds of action and an hour of apology" M Richler.
All men who have been there, know the emptiness this brings. However, like all difficulties it can be overcome with a bit of discipline, a bit of practice and knowing a couple of techniques.
Each man must find a method of postponement which works for him and with which he is the most comfortable. I recall one time having a drunken conversation with some friends and we were asking each other how we stopped ourselves suddenly climaxing. A good friend of mine, named Neil, claimed that he had the solution to all our problems. At that time Scotland had a great soccer player called Kenny Dalglish. Neil told us that when you feel yourself about to orgasm, shut your eyes and think of a completely naked Kenny Dalglish running down the wing with the ball at his feet. This he assured us, was guaranteed to stop our ejaculation. In all fairness to Neil it certainly delayed the moment for a time, but it ruined sex with your girlfriend and soccer as a spectator sport, until the great Kenny retired many years later.
Neil had hit upon something though, because the power of the mind plays an important role in keeping your sperm from leaping out. By focusing your thoughts on something other than making love, you will be in a trance and no longer mentally in the same room. It goes without saying that your partner must never be aware that your thoughts are about how to fix the car, how to solve the problems at work, does the bedroom wall needs painting etc., (and mercifully she's not wondering if the ceiling needs painting). The body is the servant of the mind and taking the mind off sex, delays your desire to orgasm. This is easier to accomplish in the dark, as the sight of a woman enjoying sex underneath you is so arousing that you do not want to see it. Your trance is instantly broken.
In the Taoist texts a lady known as the Plain Girl explains to the Yellow Emperor the dangers of making love to a woman and trying to maintain your sperm, which she describes rather poetically as "riding a galloping horse with a frayed rein". When you see a woman enjoying sex the rein tends to break and you lose control. The simplest technique to delay your ejaculation is not to look at a woman enjoying sex and concentrate your mind on any other topic, really focus, think about anything else especially something you don't like, divorce yourself mentally from what you are doing. Make love in the dark or close your eyes to ensure you cannot see her pleasure and let the mind drift to naked sportsmen or the workings of the internal combustion engine.
This will certainly work, but it is purely for beginners. It has the disadvantage of removing you mentally from the sexual act, being separate from your partner and lessens your enjoyment of the great occasion. You merely want to delay your ejaculation not visit another planet. There are much better methods for the Great Lover.
To maintain full pleasure and oneness with your mate and control your excitement, breathing techniques are brilliant. You know what it's like when you've orgasmed and your panting like a wild dog, well that's because your heart has been pumping like crazy to feed blood and oxygen to your ever tightening muscles. Nature requires you to build up the tension that you need to release for your orgasm. The great news is, that by using correct breathing you can take conscious control of this process and prolong intercourse simply by reducing the tension in your muscles and yet still have the pleasure.
Slow, deep breathing is nowadays regarded as a valuable aid in fighting many forms of ailment but particularly stress and tension. What happens physiologically when you breathe deep, is the heart slows and the diaphragm (a large muscle at the bottom of the ribcage) is allowed to help pump blood around the body. This makes you relax calms you down and lets your body become fully oxygenated.
Feel around your back and find where your bottom rib is. Picture in your mind how a fish breathes opening and closing its gills. Imagine you have a pair of gills along the line of your bottom rib and when you breathe in, they open. Take long, slow breaths using this 'fish breathing' and you will find that it forces you to expand your abdomen when you take an in-breath, as is correct. For slowing your metabolism even further, let your nostrils flare open slightly on the inward draw as you did to slow yourself down when dealing with shyness. This time think of the oxygen flowing through the gills and not the nostrils. Let your abdomen expand and relax. Try doing this for five minutes before you go to sleep and see how powerful it is in relaxing your entire body and mind.
Whilst having intercourse using a deep rhythmic 'fish breath' in conjunction with nostril flaring, will help you maintain your composure, allow you to be responsive to your partner, keep a sensuous steady thrust for her, calm the heart, lungs, urgency to ejaculate and you can enjoy full relaxed satisfaction from sexual intercourse. By breathing in this slow rhythmical pattern deep into your abdomen during sex, you become master of your orgasm, rather than its servant. It's magic.
Even with breath control, there still may come a point where the frayed rein is going to snap and at this time you want to introduce the anal lock technique.
Breath control and the anal lock technique are extremely powerful in controlling ejaculation when used in harmony. Once mastered it is possible to make love for as long as you want without ejaculating.
There are two muscles that need to be controlled for this. One has the name the pubbo-coccygeal muscle and the other is called the anal sphincter. To access the complexly named pubbo-coccygeal muscle, or PC muscle as we shall now call it, simply urinate then stop yourself in mid-flow. The muscle you feel working is the PC muscle. The anal sphincter muscle is the one you feel when you squeeze your anus together as if to expel excrement. Now that you have each of them placed and operating, work them both together.
Work them on the bus, watching television, driving the car, lying in bed and going to the toilet. Nobody will know that you are quietly turning yourself into a better lover. There are two benefits in building these muscles. Firstly, they improve your sexual vitality and secondly, if you're about to ejaculate and you squeeze them both tight and hold them, the urge will pass. Once mastered, you need never slow down or change your pace, just keep squeezing and you will keep from ejaculating. When these muscles have developed you can thrust away with them squeezed until you decide to release them for your pleasure. A great lover need not have huge shoulders and chest, his power lies in two little muscles in his pelvis, but you must work at building their strength.
When you have mastered this muscle control, you can bring yourself near to orgasm as many times as you want, squeeze, stop yourself, then resume. This is yet another ancient Taoist monks method to preserve semen. These guys were red-hot lovers and were reputedly able to make love for days on end, wearing out several women in the process by using the Anal Lock.
They believed that the more a man preserved his semen, the longer he would live, As orgasms reduce a mans life and as all things must balance, an orgasm prolonged a woman's life. ("May I prolong your life tonight?"). The philosophy comes down to keeping hold of your semen whilst giving a lady as many orgasms as you and she can manage. Haven't you ever noticed how energized some women are after an orgasm, whilst you feel ready for the coffin?
"Every animal is sad after coitus except the human female and the crow" Galen.
One Chinese Empress used to have the army come round and each soldier was ordered to prolong her life! Nice work if you can get it. They do say it's a mans life in the army.
There maybe something in these ideas of semen retention as nowadays medical science informs us that thirty per cent (30%) of semen is made up of cerebrospinal fluid. This is the same liquid that keeps your brain and nervous system going. It is also rich in zinc. A lack of zinc affects memory and makes your eyes sensitive to sunlight. This means every time a man ejaculates, he loses a bit of his mind, his memory diminishes and his eyes are affected. What is that old saying about something making you blind?
The breathing and anal lock technique take considerable practice and control. Using them in combination should, in a relatively short time, improve your performance considerably. Remember, constant and continuous small improvements, you won't master it after the first or second attempt. Anybody who tells you controlling your urge to release your sperm is easy, is a liar. However compound improvements will have you there in no time.
Until you have mastered the lock technique fully, there is an intermediate step you can use. Stop your thrusts the instant you feel the urge to ejaculate and commence 'fish breathing' and activate your locking muscles. Though this is not as enjoyable for the woman, water doesn't instantly go cold when you take it off the heat, neither will she. The longer you've taken for her to be aroused the longer it takes her to cool. Recommence when you have yourself under control. Practice using this technique when masturbating and see if you can control yourself.
Adopting the correct position for intercourse is another method you can try. The Riding High position allows the most sensitive part of her genitals to be rubbed by the least sensitive part of yours. Naturally this will increase her pleasure and help stop you 'shooting your load' too quickly. Refer back to the last chapter if you cannot remember the details.
Also the woman on top position is very good for her arousal and allows you to ride the galloping horse for a bit longer. When she is on top, relax all your muscles and breathe deeply through your gills, frequently squeezing your pubbo-coccygeal and anal sphincter to prolong the experience for her. Woman on Top is a favorable position for a man to hold back his urge to orgasm. If you do have problems holding back your desires to ejaculate, avoid any position related to Man Behind Woman, as this can turn you into a demented bunny, jealous of the seven thrust monkey.
As a delaying mechanism, I have heard and seen in writing that you should squeeze your testicles and pull them downwards with your hand, as you are about to ejaculate. This can be carried out from any of the sexual positions by reaching around and grabbing them. I personally don't advocate this, as a man should have himself under control by using his breathing and muscles before then. If you have to do this, then it is too late. Try again next time.
I am pretty sure that manually cutting of your sperm and semen once it is already in the ducts that carries them, cannot be very good for the health of your testicles. Once you have started to ejaculate the healthiest thing to do is make it a good one and get it all out. No matter how keen a man is to satisfy his partner and we are all enthusiastic if nothing else, I think we should draw the line at crushing our own bollocks.
"He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence" William Blake.
There was a Japanese psychotherapist named Morita who said "It doesn't matter how many times you give up when climbing the mountain as long as you put one foot in front of the other". The message is clear, feelings mean nothing, it is the actions that you take that makes the difference. Men are defined by their actions and as long as you take continuos positive steps you will get ahead in your life. If you are constantly concerned by your feelings than you will stay where you are. No one will love you, appreciate you or admire you for the intensity of your feelings, only for your actions. I know scores of women who have had failed relationships with total losers and I know scores of really decent men who would love the chance to romance these women. Why does it never happen, because in love fortune favors the brave. Women go out with bold men who ask them, not with men who dream about asking them.
Develop the sought after strong qualities of the authentic man and women will find you attractive, it is inevitable. Learn to gain rapport, to listen, to be humorous, to be clean, to dress well, to know the techniques of romance and to master the bedroom arts. No matter who or where you are, improvement takes time. Learning to listen takes patience, taking decisions is difficult, making a woman laugh can be taxing, arousing women during foreplay takes control, delaying intercourse is frustrating, being a great lover takes practice. However one step followed by another will take you to the top of the mountain.
The very fact you chose to read this book shows a desire and willingness to improve and learn. It was a step in the right direction. With such a desire and with this ability to act you are more than half way there. Anybody can teach you techniques but these are next to useless without the enthusiasm and dedication to put them into practice. Remember theory is shit, action is all.
The body is the servant of the mind. You must consciously decide what is useful for you and what is not. Know what you want to achieve and what you do not, what makes you happy and what does not, then work out a plan to get it. Never blindly follow your feelings, they are not reliable and never do what people who declare themselves as experts tell you either. Find out what works for you and your personality, then use it. If some things don't work for you, ditch them and try something else. This is how a man grows, develops and improves.
Both sexes are products of evolution and as a result are subject to instinctual drives. The evolutionary processes outlined by Darwin that have brought us this far, continue to govern our sexual desires and choice of mate. Men are attracted by youth and beauty because this represents fertility, women by strength and trust because it offers the best chances of survival for the children. These characteristics take different forms in different times but are a constant theme. A mans attractiveness throughout the ages has gone from his physical strength, to financial strength and now to inner strength. It takes different guises but it is always strength that appeals to a woman. You know this, the key question is what are you going to do about it?
You also know that the male competition for a woman can be intense. Discreetly trying to impress another mans mate and male jealousy are part and parcel of our make-up. Man fighting man over a woman is a constant historical topic since before Helen of Troy, men have died for women and have killed for women. A man who realizes he cannot keep his partner a prisoner but must constantly win her sexual favors, is the one who finds long-term happiness. He is so far ahead of the game, a woman will gladly look up to him because he is the romantic hero she desires. No other man can get a look in. If she strays into the bed of another, look to yourself first. Perhaps you are not providing the right environment, strength or qualities that make you a desirable man.
But what if you are providing all these things, doing your best, listening, constantly winning her heart, being an attentive lover, providing a safe and loving environment and she is not happy or doesn't want physical contact with you? Well, you have many desirable qualities that are searched for by other women and as a true gentleman you too have the right to happiness. The market for a 'good' man is just as intense as the competition for a beautiful woman. There are literally millions of women who would like to meet a man with your qualities. You must decide if there is any advantage in you staying with your current partner. If not, leave without any feelings of guilt, if hand on heart you did your best. Our lives are short. No woman should put up with an arrogant selfish man and lover that is for sure, but no man should have to put up with an unappreciative cold woman either. Take the path to a better life.
Women hate weak men and are probably frightened by them, not because they want to be subservient or helpless, but because instinctively they look to men in moments of crisis. There is an academic collusion based in certain American Universities (Oh what a shock, isn't that where Political Correctness stemmed from?) to brainwash us into thinking that somehow women have become a superior sex. Some men are now so intimidated by women they cannot get an erection. Such sad little men have swallowed the whole plot and deserve contempt. No sex is superior to the other and the rules of attraction remain intact, no matter how financially or educationally better off women become. Men are still the ones who must take the lead, instigate decisions and show masterful masculine ways. A woman has every right to override a mans decision and that's fine: I will defend this right to the grave, but it is the MAN who has to take the action to begin things. It is the male role and no matter how clever academics think themselves, they are not as clever as nature.
Deliver what a woman wants and you will succeed. Not every time, because there are individual preferences, hang-ups and factors outside your control. For example there are women who will always choose a man who treats them badly, so Mr. Humorous Gentleman cannot win her because of her psychological weakness. There are other women who really hate men, so ignore them. it's no big deal it is outside your control. Not every woman will find you attractive either and that's OK too, because you don't find every woman attractive. The best you can do is make yourself appealing to the widest potential female audience and then you are bound to be successful.
Maximize yourself as a man and as a lover, not solely for a woman's benefit but for your own long term masculine happiness. Self-discipline, rehearsal and taking action are a mighty combination, there is nothing you cannot achieve by using them in harmony. Go do it, be a frog who satisfies a princess, be an authentic strong trustworthy man. Men are great, spread the word by your example....BE A WINNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!
THE END
If you are keen to improve and learn I recommend these books as being invaluable:
"Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. An absolute classic book which has influenced my relationships and life enormously.
"Awaken the Giant Within" and "Unlimited Power" by the American genius Anthony Robbins, the master of controlling the brain and influencing others.
"The Tao of Health, Sex and Longevity" by Daniel Reid. A man who has brought some excellent Oriental methods of living and sexuality to the West.
"Ultimate Sex Guide" by Anne Hooper. One of the better sex books, at least she is aware of the Nine Levels.
"Women on Sex" by Susan Quilliam. A superb book for facts and statistics.
"Psycho-Cybernetics" by Maxwell Malz. The all-time great book on using your subconscious power to help you.
"Body Language" by Alan Pease. Clear and concise on the meaning of body language.
"The Hite Report" by Shere Hite. The definitive study on female sexuality.
"The Selfish Gene" and "The Blind Watchmaker" by Richard Dawkins, Britain's top evolutionary theorist lays out his beliefs in these two outstanding books.
Three other books well worth a read to give you a taste of life 'walking in a woman's moccasins';
"The Female Eunuch" by Germaine Greer, generalizes as much about men as I probably have about women in this book, but still superb.
"Sex, Art and American Culture" by Camille Paglia, an outspoken woman with many interesting things to say.
"Woman's Pleasure" by Rachel Swift, an excellent book about helping a woman take control over their own sexuality.